Ch 2 part 2
Volume 1
Chapter 2 - Like Soap Bubbles (2)
4
"I specifically chose a different station today..."
Ichinose protested as I grabbed her arm.
"Try something different; don't attempt suicide by jumping on the tracks," I scolded her.
"Then what method of suicide should I use?"
The girl intent on dying was not showing any remorse today either.
"I don't know, how about waiting eighty years for a peaceful rest?"
"That's not suicide at all."
On the second June 1st after I gave up on my lifespan, Monday, the weather was clear.
On this day, Ichinose attempted suicide for the eighteenth time.
She tried to jump on the tracks at a different station than usual, but I still caught her.
"Jumping on the tracks would be such a waste of your lovely face," I said.
Ichinose quickly denied it, "I'm not lovely at all!"
Seeing her reaction, I suggested, "Since you're giving up on suicide, how about becoming an idol?" However, she responded with a pouting voice, "Stop making fun of me."
"Let's go somewhere far today!"
Weekday mornings, train platforms, catching Ichinose red-handed was the perfect opportunity to go on a trip. Thanks to reading the guidebook in advance, I already had our destination decided.
"I don't have money."
"I'll cover all the expenses today."
"Why go this far for someone who's about to die?"
"Since you're almost dead, why do you care?"
After our usual back-and-forth, we boarded a train to Tokyo Station.
The commuter train was extremely crowded during rush hour, with barely any space to move. The hanging loops were all occupied by office workers, making it difficult to find a stable position. Whenever the train shook, Ichinose would grab my arm. Among the multitude of office workers, she seemed out of place, not knowing where to put her hands and feet.
At each stop, the crowd pushed inside, and Ichinose and I were tightly pressed together. I could smell a sweet fragrance, undoubtedly coming from her hair. If it were coming from the rugged office worker next to us, it would be a bit terrifying.
When we arrived at Tokyo Station, both of us felt as exhausted as if we had climbed a mountain.
After getting off the train, we immediately sat on a bench to rest. I went to the vending machine to buy drinks and handed one to Ichinose. She accepted it graciously and started drinking, which was surprising because she would usually refuse, saying, "I'm dying anyway, I don't need it." I guess she was just too tired to refuse my offer this time.
Next, we boarded another train, and I wanted to sit comfortably. While I was looking up how to buy reserved seat tickets on my phone, Ichinose asked me, "Where are we going today?" Mischievously, I replied, "I'm not telling you."
I bought reserved seat tickets using the ticket machine and transferred to the Joban Line.
The train car we boarded had seats arranged like those on a Shinkansen, facing forward, and there was no one else on board. I offered Ichinose the window seat and took the aisle seat for myself.
I intended to recline the seat back and take a short nap, but I couldn't fall asleep no matter what I tried. Ichinose, sitting beside me, was enjoying the view outside. Her face reflected on the window looked even younger than usual.
"Aren't you sleeping?" she asked when she noticed my gaze, assuming I was looking at the scenery outside.
"Do you want to switch seats?" she suggested.
"I'm just having trouble falling asleep, and I tend to get motion sickness when I'm awake."
"Mr. Aiba, do you easily get motion sickness?"
"Yes, I've been struggling with it since I was young."
Ever since I can remember, I've always felt dizzy and uncomfortable when traveling, especially on vehicles with seats facing forward, like Shinkansen or sightseeing buses.
"I never thought you had any problems like that."
"How could you think that? During our educational trip on a bus, I was so miserable; I only remember feeling nauseous the whole time."
"Oh... Some of my classmates also get motion sickness on buses."
"I couldn't enjoy the sightseeing at all; I had to write an essay, so I ended up describing how I felt being motion sick and submitted it."
After I shared this with her and recalled the past, I suddenly felt queasy. "Maybe I'd like to read that essay someday," Ichinose teased me, rubbing salt on the wound. I told her, "I've long discarded such unpleasant memories." To that, she sighed and said, "Oh... what a pity."
I've discarded not only the essay but also most of the things I didn't need in my life when I left my hometown. My room now contains only the bare essentials. After I die, the only traces of Jun Aiba, this human being, will probably be found in the graduation albums of my classmates.
"If you're not feeling well, please don't endure it. Just tell me, and I'll kill myself during that time," she jokingly said.
"Please don't."
After chatting for a while, the scenery outside suddenly changed, and a vast blue ocean came into view. Ichinose reacted like a child, saying, "Mr. Aiba, it's the sea! The sea!"
After about ten minutes, we got off at our destination, and I pointed to a poster on the wall.
"We're going here today."
"The aquarium?"
The poster featured dolphins and other marine creatures and was of a well-known aquarium in Ibaraki Prefecture that was also mentioned in the guidebook.
"You said you like fish, right? So I thought you might enjoy going to an aquarium or something."
To Ichinose, tropical fish shops were like small aquariums, so I thought she'd be happy if I took her to a real one. That's what I thought while reading the guidebook.
We took a bus from the station to the aquarium. Inside the bus, Ichinose swung her legs and gazed outside at the vast ocean.
The aquarium was built on the coastline, offering a panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean. It looked even bigger than in the pictures. People were taking photos in front of a dolphin statue near the entrance.
"Mr. Aiba, let's go inside quickly!"
As soon as we got off the bus, Ichinose eagerly beckoned me to hurry, which was a rare sight since she usually stayed behind me. I immediately felt that taking her to the aquarium was the right decision.
Inside the aquarium, there were families with children and couples, but thanks to it being a weekday, there wasn't a large crowd. When buying our tickets, I also purchased a stamp book, and I decided to collect stamps as we explored.
The first area we visited was where various fish from the nearby ocean gathered.
The Blue Sea World expanded before our eyes in a giant glass tank, where a large school of sardines, sharks, rays, turtles, and various other marine creatures swam gracefully.
Ichinose placed her hands on the glass tank, looking at the swimming fish with enthusiasm. Watching her from behind, no one would suspect she had thoughts of suicide.
"Mr. Aiba, look over there, a fish is sitting on the turtle shell!"
As she said, a fish was tightly attached to a turtle shell as it swam in front of me. Nearby parents and children noticed it too and exclaimed, "There's a small fish on the turtle!"
Ichinose looked up and admired, "How beautiful."
This time, it was as if we were watching a large school of sardines swimming above us. There must have been hundreds... no, thousands of them. The light from above shone down, creating a dreamy, shimmering silver spectacle of sardines.
"Seeing the school of fish reminds me of the school's arts festival," Ichinose said as she looked up. I asked her, "The arts festival?"
"I performed in a play about fish during the arts festival. I think the story was about a group of small fish about to be eaten by a big fish, but they all gathered together and pretended to be a bigger fish to scare the big fish away."
I recalled reading a similar story in a children's book.
"So, what role did you play?"
"A small fish, a non-speaking supporting character."
"Even as a supporting character, you must have stood out because you're cute."
"No need for flattery."
While looking at the school of sardines, I suddenly thought:
With so many fish around, there must be some sardines that get pushed aside, right?
If only there were no envy or bullying, maybe Ichinose and I would be happier being born as sardines.
A female keeper was answering children's questions in front of the tank, but I didn't have the courage to ask if there were sardines that got pushed out.
After stamping my book near the massive tank, we moved to the next area.
According to the guide map, this area focused on deep-sea creatures.
Dark floors displayed bizarre and eerie deep-sea fish. There were many deep-sea creatures that left visitors unsure of how to react. Ichinose and the other customers watched with expressions of wonder and amazement. Before the display of preserved Emperor ribbonfish, I overheard scattered conversations like, "Wow, it's so long!" and "I didn't know such creatures existed!"
The lighting was dim, and Ichinose leaned closer to one of the tanks. Suddenly, she let out a small, startled "Ah!" and shivered, as if she had been surprised by a large centipede. To her, it must have looked like a giant water centipede. Blushing with embarrassment, Ichinose quickly moved away, and I followed her.
In this section, they also showcased jellyfish gently floating and swimming. Their shimmering lights made them seem almost artificial, like lanterns in the water, which was astonishing.
Ichinose gazed at the jellyfish and murmured, "I'd love to keep one as a pet."
I heard that jellyfish are challenging to care for and often die quickly. As I was about to mention this, she added, "But I'm about to die soon, so I can't keep one anyway."
"Don't talk like that! Don't die before the jellyfish!" I said with a smile.
After exploring the deep-sea area, we moved on to the section displaying large fish. Ichinose walked ahead, and her skirt swayed more than usual.
A massive fish with an imposing silhouette swam leisurely in one of the tanks. It looked like a shark from any angle. I wondered if it was naturally this big or if it grew due to human care. Its round appearance was captivating.
"I hope this tank doesn't break," I commented, raising a concern that anyone might have.
"I don't want to be eaten by a shark," Ichinose replied with a laugh. "Well, then stop doing dangerous things like jumping off bridges or tracks," I quickly added.
Nearby, there was a display of triggerfish, and Ichinose enthusiastically admired them. She might have had a thing for peculiar and enigmatic creatures like the triggerfish and hexagon dinosaur fish. Even though other visitors had moved on to the next tank, Ichinose remained fixated on the triggerfish.
By the time I collected the third stamp, it was already afternoon. We decided to head back to the entrance with the food court for lunch.
The menu offered various seafood dishes, including seafood rice bowls and sushi. I ordered a tuna rice bowl with red meat and belly, and crab soup. Ichinose chose a rice bowl with cutlassfish and milt, and octopus-shaped takoyaki.
The indoor seating area was quite empty, so we opted for a less crowded table on the terrace. From there, we had a panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean, accompanied by the soothing sound of waves. Ichinose's hair fluttered in the wind, and she had to keep brushing it aside. The seafood was incredibly fresh due to the proximity to the sea, and the rice bowl tasted entirely different from what we usually had. It was truly delicious.
"This is the first time I've had cutlassfish this good," Ichinose exclaimed, and I jokingly said, "Of course, it's because they catch the fish right before serving it." To my surprise, she believed me and replied disappointedly, "So it's just a display fish...?" Well, it was just a little white lie... Maybe.
While resting after the meal, I noticed Ichinose's gaze fixed on a family nearby.
It was a family of three, with parents and a young girl, enjoying their meal on the terrace. Ichinose seemed to be looking at the dolphin plush toy the little girl was holding.
Half-jokingly, I said to her, "If you want the plush toy, I can buy it for you."
She replied, "It's the same as the one I cherished when I was little," with a smile that seemed to express that she didn't really want it.
"Oh, so you cherished plush toys too?" I asked.
"Because my dad bought it for me," she said, gazing at the dolphin plush.
"When I was in kindergarten, our family went to the aquarium. When we returned home, my dad bought me a dolphin plush just like the one that girl is holding. I carried it everywhere and even kept it as decoration in my room as I grew up."
As she talked about the plush toy, she seemed to be reminiscing about the past.
"Did your stepfather throw away that plush toy too?" I asked, to which she nodded slowly.
"He threw it away, along with everything else in my room, using my refusal to go to school as an excuse. I protested, of course, but he insisted that unless I went to school, he would throw away all my belongings without listening to what I had to say."
She said with a self-deprecating tone, and I didn't know how to comfort her.
After hearing a girl's laughter, Ichinose looked back at the family.
The father was making funny faces to make the little girl laugh, and the mother smiled watching them. It was a typical happy family, the kind she probably wished she had.
Seeing her gaze and posture, it felt like she was looking at her past self.
As for me, I spent my early years in an orphanage, abandoned from birth. I never knew what my parents looked like and often felt envious whenever I visited my classmates' homes or saw loving families.
The things I desperately wanted were something they got without asking, and they seemed to take it for granted, which made me burn with jealousy.
I couldn't forgive such a reality.
It was like a curse; even seeing a stranger's family would trigger jealousy and torment me with a sense of inferiority.
Ichinose might feel the same way. The family in front of her was vastly different from her own, and even if she gave up on suicide, the curse wouldn't vanish.
Should I say something comforting to ease the curse?
I pondered over what to say, but I couldn't come up with the right words. Instead, Ichinose spoke first:
"It's getting late. Shall we go see the dolphin and sea lion show together?"
She picked up her empty dishes and stood up. Since I couldn't think of anything comforting to say, I followed her as she walked while looking at the map.
There was already a crowd gathering in front of the glass window, eagerly waiting for the show to begin. Finally, we found a spot towards the back.
Venue's music started playing, and the show began. The dolphins took center stage, leaping and spinning, sometimes carrying the trainers on their backs, showcasing various tricks.
Whenever they leaped with great force, splashes of water would fly, accompanied by cheers and screams of excitement from the front rows. Jumping dolphins reached for balls placed high up, while the sea lions deftly caught balls with their faces. Each time they showed off their skills, the crowd erupted into enthusiastic applause.
"Wow! They're amazing!" Ichinose, sitting beside me, clapped happily. Instead of focusing on the show, I found myself more interested in her smiling face, which I rarely saw. I couldn't help but keep my eyes on her.
The show ended with dolphins and sea lions sharing kisses, and the audience gave them thunderous applause.
Afterward, as we left the aquarium and waited for the bus, we decided to take a stroll along the coastline.
"I wonder how many sardines are in that school? The triggerfish is so adorable. The luminescent jellyfish looks so beautiful. The dolphin and sea lion show was fantastic!" Ichinose happily chattered as we walked along the coast, and somehow, her joy was contagious, and I couldn't help but feel happy too.
"I've always wanted to see a dolphin show for a long time," she said.
"Weren't you able to see it before?"
"I didn't get to see it till the end. I sat in the front row to get a closer look, but I was young back then and got startled by the splashing water..."
Ichinose felt embarrassed but happy when talking about this memory.
"I ended up crying loudly, and not wanting to disturb the others, I left the show halfway through. After that, my dad bought me a dolphin plush to console me for not being able to finish watching. Since then, I've always thought of going to see it again someday."
If I hadn't interfered with her suicide, that so-called "someday" would have never come. I thought, why not speak up about the places she wanted to go from the beginning?
"Oh, I see. Well, then it wasn't a waste of our effort to come all the way here," I said, and Ichinose beamed.
"Thank you for today, Mr. Aiba," she said, smiling with pure happiness. It was the most radiant expression I had seen from her in these past few days. With her white teeth showing, her innocent smile made her look like an ordinary girl her age, making me forget for a moment that she was the same girl who wanted to end her life. But just as quickly, she turned her head away, leaving me with only a glimpse of that moment, and it felt rather regretful.
"As long as you had fun," I smiled back, making sure she didn't notice.
We returned with reserved seat tickets and sat together on the way back. I reclined my seat first and lay down, while Ichinose looked at the wrinkled aquarium guide and stamp collection, occasionally admiring the dolphin badge.
As I watched her admiring her treasures for a while, it seemed like she dozed off without even realizing it. She must have been tired too, and when I woke up, I noticed she had fallen asleep beside me.
Her closed eyes cast shadows with her eyelashes, and her sleeping face was beautiful and defenseless. Every creature is defenseless while asleep, but the stark contrast with her usual self-consciousness made me want to keep looking.
I carefully draped her original cardigan over her, not wanting to disturb her peaceful sleep.
"Be careful on your way home," I said.
"I'll be careful today."
"Not just today, be careful every day."
We parted at the nearest station, and I watched her walk away before heading home.
When I arrived at the apartment building and took the elevator, I happened to be in the same elevator with a family from another floor. The father carried a large shopping bag, and the mother held the hand of a smiling little girl.
Usually, seeing such a happy family would trigger negative emotions in me. But this time, the negative feelings didn't surface after the family left the elevator.
"Thank you, Mr. Aiba," I suddenly remembered Ichinose's smile when she saw the little girl.
I thought I would never hear someone thanking me again in my life.
I used to believe my life had no meaning, but now, perhaps, there might be some value to it.
On the second June 25th after I gave up my life, it was a Thursday, and the weather was sunny.
On this day, Ichinose attempted her 19th suicide.
It had been over three weeks since her last attempt.
Normally, I would have felt relieved that the frequency of her suicide attempts had decreased. However, I couldn't honestly feel that way.
I was shocked, to be honest. After her happy smile at the aquarium and the way we got along better recently, I felt our relationship was maturing. Yet, she didn't reach out to me for help, and I felt frustrated with my own helplessness.
I had accumulated considerable fatigue.
Therefore, after encountering Ichinose, my life rhythm underwent a tremendous change.
Honestly, this kind of life is exhausting. Even with careful verification, I would still doubt whether I missed any news and continue investigating. I had to wake up every three hours, so I couldn't sleep peacefully.
Moreover, no matter how attentive I was, there was no guarantee that a suicide would be reported or reported in time. Would her suicide at home be reported? Probably not. In the past, it was only by some miracle that I caught it in time.
Otherwise, the day when Ichinose's life would end might pass without me noticing.
So, the waiting time left me extremely anxious.
Two weeks after visiting the aquarium, there were still no news reports. Anxiety surged within me, worrying whether I had overlooked a report or if she had already committed suicide without being reported.
Unconsciously, I started checking the news every two hours, or rather, I couldn't sleep. Even when lying in bed, I kept thinking, "Will there be news in a few minutes? Did I forget to set the alarm?" I couldn't put down my phone. Despite later entering a drowsy state and even dozing off, I continued searching for news in my dreams, unable to shake off the fatigue.
After enduring such a life for over a week, I finally saw a report about someone committing suicide.
A female junior high school student jumped onto the tracks at a station, and since it was the same station Ichinose often chose for her suicide attempts, even without mentioning her name in the report, I knew it was her.
Upon finding the suicide report, I felt relieved that I had the chance to go back in time, but at the same time, disappointed that she had attempted suicide again. This was her 19th attempt, yet I still wasn't used to it; instead, I was afraid of her dying.
The reason I interfered with her suicide was to find an excuse for myself and alleviate the guilt. If I couldn't prevent her no matter how hard I tried, then so be it. It wouldn't change anything in my life to stop her from dying. I should just ignore any guilt and feelings.
I kept convincing myself so that I could accept her death at any time. It was just a pastime before my death; I wasn't genuinely trying to stop her suicide.
So even if I couldn't prevent her suicide, I shouldn't be greatly affected.
─It should be like that.
I went back in time and sat on a bench at the platform.
Normally, I would wait for her while checking my phone, but today, I didn't feel like doing that.
I was thinking about what kind of expression to put on when talking to Ichinose and how to treat her. I couldn't rely on my usual approach; it had limited effectiveness. I needed to come up with a strategy beforehand.
My brain was working, but the noise from people chatting and laughing around me disrupted my thoughts. No one expected that a girl would jump onto the tracks next. My frantic thinking felt pathetic in comparison.
During that time, the train that likely took her life appeared on the departure information board.
However, there was no sign of Ichinose.
Usually, I would pretend to be an informant, confirm the platform and location of her track jumping, and then go back in time. But this time, due to my physical and mental exhaustion, I didn't properly investigate the location where she jumped onto the tracks. In the past, she had always chosen the far end of the platform for her suicide attempts, so I assumed it was the same this time.
After the previous train left the platform, Ichinose was still nowhere to be seen. I took out my phone from my pocket to check the time; she should have arrived by this time on a regular day.
If, for some reason, her jumping spot wasn't at the far end of the platform, I needed to find her.
With an anxious, pale face, I stood up from the bench.
I wandered on the platform, checking person by person, avoiding any contact with her.
Even though I was anxious inside, my steps remained calm, walking quickly but not in a panic. However, when the train information board showed "Train approaching the platform, do not stand near the edge," my pace quickened.
Even bathed in the gazes of people around me, I kept running. I must find her before the train arrives at the platform.
Just as my anxiety reached its peak...
Ichinose passed right in front of me.
I immediately turned around, confirmed her appearance, and grasped her arm.
"Hey... you really worried me," I sighed and said as Ichinose turned her head back.
Seeing her expression left me speechless.
Because she had cried.
Her eyes were red, and her cheeks were wet. She trembled her lips and shook off my hand.
She remained silent and intended to leave. I grabbed her arm again.
"Are you okay? What happened?"
She lowered her head, covering her face, and answered in a trembling voice, "I'm fine."
As the train approached the platform, she closed her eyes, and tears streamed down her face. Her long black hair fluttered in the wind, revealing her reddened ears.
"...Let go of me."
I gradually loosened my grip on her arm, and her arm slipped away from my hand.
She bit her lips tightly, and without saying a word, she walked away.
I didn't know what to say to her and could only follow behind her, watching her body tremble as she sobbed.
After leaving the ticket gate, although she occasionally looked back to see if I was following, she remained silent. So I kept my distance and continued walking behind her.
The place Ichinose was heading to was a park adjacent to a residential area.
There was another park nearby, where children played soccer and enjoyed the playground equipment, and the sounds of joy even reached this park.
However, the park we were currently in was deserted.
The overgrown grass-filled park had lonely and rusty slides and swings with peeling paint. The outside walls of the unisex restroom had turned mouse gray, and the urinals were placed in visible spots at the entrance.
I doubted anyone would specifically come to this park.
That's probably why Ichinose chose this park.
Ichinose entered the only stall in the restroom, and I waited for her to come out not far away. However, after thirty minutes, she was still inside.
I walked up to the restroom to check on her, only to hear her sobbing.
I looked at the overgrown bench and thought to myself: It seems she will take some time to come out. I turned my back to the restroom and continued listening to her crying. The lively noise from the opposite park disrupted my thoughts. I absentmindedly crushed the amusement park entrance ticket in my pocket.
When I grabbed Ichinose's arm at the station platform, I saw bruises on her arm, probably from a fight with her family, or maybe she was physically abused.
I wanted to shout in the middle of the park: "Stop meddling in her life!"
Lately, Ichinose's expression had been visibly brighter, and her suicide attempts had decreased. It had been three weeks since her last suicide attempt.
However, it was because, as it was supposed to be, her family was supposed to support her, but they ended up pushing her to attempt suicide again.
Unforgivable! Why did you push her into a corner? If you had just understood and supported her properly, she might have reconsidered not committing suicide.
It was those bullies and her family's lack of understanding that caused all this.
That's what I told myself.
But I was also one of the reasons that led to this situation.
If I hadn't interfered with her suicide, she wouldn't have endured a beating and wouldn't be crying in this filthy restroom.
Wasn't I the one who pushed her into a corner?
I looked at a crow in a corner of the park and remembered something from my childhood.
Not long after starting elementary school, I once found a baby crow on the ground.
Seeing the little crow squatting on the ground, I thought it got separated from its parents. I decided it would be safer to take it home rather than leaving it on the side of the road where cars and bikes could pass by. So I brought the baby crow home and placed it in a cage.
The next day, I put the cage with the baby crow in the backyard and went to school. I thought that leaving it in the backyard would make it easier for the baby's parents to find it.
When I came home after school, I saw the cage lying on the ground, and the baby crow was nowhere to be seen. At that time, I looked at the overturned cage and believed that the baby crow's parents had found it and taken it back to the nest.
However, now I don't believe that it actually returned to its parents.
Because crows have a habit of abandoning chicks that have no hope of survival. In other words, that baby crow was likely abandoned by its parents, just like me.
Besides, I don't think the crow parents would have taken a baby crow that had the scent of humans back to their nest. Judging from the overturned cage, that baby crow was probably attacked by other birds or wild cats and eaten.
But back then, I firmly believed that it had returned to its parents and was overjoyed. Even though it didn't make a difference whether I saved it or not, I felt happy because I had done something seemingly meaningful.
It's the same as interfering with Ichinose's suicide now.
Since she started showing her smile, I arrogantly thought I had helped her to some extent. But when the critical moment came, she didn't seek help from me. How presumptuous of me to think that I could help her?
Maybe continuously interfering with her suicide won't change anything in the end. If that's the case, then is there any meaning in desperately trying to prevent her from dying? Am I not just using her for my own satisfaction, tormenting her continuously?
I'm so scared. Scared that I won't be able to save Ichinose, scared to take responsibility for my choices.
It's true that no matter what her fate is, my life won't change at all.
After waiting for nearly two hours, I heard a "click" from behind.
"...You're still here?"
Ichinose turned away, trying to hide her swollen eyes.
"Aren't you hungry? Want to go eat something?"
I pretended to be calm and asked casually.
But she shook her head vigorously and replied softly, "I'm going home today." I simply said, "I see." After that, I couldn't squeeze out another word.
After parting with her near the bridge, I went alone to a nearby family restaurant.
I didn't even have the energy to eat instant noodles. Sitting on the sofa at a corner table, I ordered beef stew rice. It was usually a small portion that I finished in no time, but today, it seemed like a much larger portion.
As I picked up the glass of water to drink, planning to rest for a moment after the meal before going home...
"Long time no see."
Seeing the figure greet me like that, I choked on the water.
Because before my eyes was the Grim Reaper.
Dressed in all black, pale skin, and silver hair. Other than holding a cup of coffee, she looked exactly the same as when I first met her.
When I was coughing from being startled, the Grim Reaper sat down in the chair in front of me.
"I didn't expect to see you again."
Since receiving the silver watch, I hadn't seen the Grim Reaper. We hadn't exchanged contact information, and I thought we would never meet again, so I was completely caught off guard. Of course, I was surprised; I didn't want to see her again.
"Today, I'm here to give you some advice."
The Grim Reaper said so and took a sip of her coffee.
I thought to myself: What does she mean by advice? Today is the second June 25th since the deal with the Grim Reaper, and it's halfway through my three-year lifespan. Is she here to tell me that I only have a year and a half left to live?
As I pondered this, she denied it: "No, that's not it." I protested in my mind: Don't just read people's minds so casually.
The Grim Reaper looked into my eyes and said, "You will regret this if you continue like this."
"Regret? What do you mean?" I asked.
"I mean, if you continue to get involved with that girl, Tsukimi Ichinose, you will regret giving up your life," she said firmly, just like when she saw through my suicidal thoughts.
If I continue to interfere with Ichinose's suicide, I'll regret giving up my life? I didn't understand what she meant.
However, the Grim Reaper's expression didn't seem like she was joking. She could predict the future just by reading people's minds? If she could read minds and had the watch that could turn back time, then it wouldn't be surprising if she could foresee the future too.
No, neither the former nor the latter is knowable.
Because I could never regret giving up my life.
"Can I take your plate?" the waitress asked, and I kept staring at the Grim Reaper. When the waitress left, the Grim Reaper sighed in a feigned manner and said, "Seems like you still don't get it!"
"It's impossible," I scoffed.
"You think it's strange to interfere with someone's suicide, but it's not strange at all, is it? Since you can read people's minds, you should know that there are probably many people like me who want to help others in their final moments," I said.
Before receiving the silver watch, I had been thinking, "If I'm going to die, I want my death to have meaning."
For example, I would die protecting a child about to be hit by a car while chasing after a rolling ball; or rushing into a burning building to save a child left behind, but only the child is rescued. I kind of had this romantic notion of dying the way it happens in manga or TV dramas.
It was justified as self-sacrifice, but in reality, it wasn't.
I thought that sacrificing myself for someone else would give my life value. Being the person who avoids reality and refuses to improve, I could easily find value in this method—
Self-sacrifice.
It wasn't about helping others; it was just about gilding my life and then dying. It was nothing more than selfish hypocrisy, just like interfering with Ichinose's suicide.
I don't know how many people have such thoughts. But there are probably many who want to "die usefully." After all, some people register as organ donors, so this idea should hold.
"In that case, Mr. Aida," the Grim Reaper spoke up, "why are you so fixated on Tsukimi Ichinose?"
The Grim Reaper continued triumphantly, "Isn't it unnecessary to intentionally save someone who wants to die? Instead of saving Tsukimi Ichinose, you could save other people who died in accidents. The watch could save many lives."
"It's not just because I want to save her. My reason for interfering with Ichinose's suicide is more than that. I want to cleanse my own inner darkness, so she is the most suitable candidate."
"So, you sympathize with Tsukimi Ichinose?" the Grim Reaper asked, putting down the empty coffee cup, as she questioned me.
"Why do you sympathize with her?" she asked.
"Well... um..." I was at a loss for words.
"Because she's similar to you, right?" the Grim Reaper smiled smugly.
"Even though the reasons for our suicides are different, you two are quite alike."
It's true; I've overlapped Ichinose with my past self countless times. Parts of her, like always being alone, often going to the bridge to admire the scenery, or looking at families at the aquarium, remind me of myself.
But so what?
"Even if we're similar, what difference does it make? Are you suggesting that if she gives up suicide, I will change my mind?"
My life's path has been ruined from the very beginning, and no matter what I do, I can't fix it. It's impossible for me to want to live.
"Who knows? It's hard to say. You might not be able to save Tsukimi Ichinose either."
The Grim Reaper spoke in a tone that seemed like she was provoking me, making me feel irritated.
"Even if I do feel regret, it's none of your business," I retorted, and the Grim Reaper's face wrinkled as she murmured, "That's so boring."
"Boring?"
The Grim Reaper tapped the table with her fingers, looking melancholic.
"Mr. Aida, do you know why I exchanged the silver watch with you?"
"How would I know? I don't have mind-reading abilities like you," I replied.
"Well then, let me tell you why I gave you the silver watch."
Although I was curious why the Grim Reaper wanted to exchange lifespans with me, I had never deeply thought about it.
"From a young age..."
The Grim Reaper continued her story.
"I love killing bugs," she said.
"What?" I responded.
"Don't be so talkative, just listen to me."
I figured whatever she was about to say would be boring, but I decided to silently listen.
"Not killing them immediately, but taking away their strengths first. If it's a butterfly or dragonfly, I tear off their wings; if it's a grasshopper, I twist its legs. That way, their appearance and movements become like those of other creatures. When you see a butterfly without wings, very few people would recognize it as a butterfly, right? I love observing them in that state, struggling to escape until they stop moving altogether."
I thought to myself: It really is boring.
"The key is that, to observe them longer, I feed them or help them. Sometimes, I let them escape because I've been too helpful," the Grim Reaper continued, wearing the expression of a child who just got a new toy.
I told her, "Your interests are quite tasteless." After all, she could read my thoughts at any time; there was no need to be polite.
"That's why I give the silver watch to people like you humans!" she said with a sinister smile and then asked me, "Mr. Aida, what do you think are the strengths of humans?"
"The strengths of humans?" I replied.
"I think it's communication, as it's an indispensable ability in human society. Since you want to die, you should understand. Most people who seek death are isolated. The reason you see Tsukimi Ichinose struggling in life is also because she lacks the strength of humans."
"So, in your eyes, we look like butterflies without wings," I said.
The Grim Reaper nodded without a care, saying, "Exactly."
"While I can read people's minds, I can't read a bug's mind. One day, while observing a dying bug, I suddenly wondered what it was thinking. If it were a human, I would understand its thoughts. So, I started observing people attempting suicide," the Grim Reaper said, looking out of the window.
"But observing humans about to die is not interesting at all because they aren't attached to life. I wanted to observe humans struggling like insects to the end, but they died easily," she emphasized.
"So—" she said with emphasis.
"I decided to give them food so they wouldn't die immediately."
"I see," I replied, and the Grim Reaper smiled, saying, "Exactly."
"I wanted to observe humans who abandoned their lives slowly feeling regret, and that's why I gave them the silver watch."
As soon as I heard that, I blurted out, "That reason is just nonsense."
"In the past, many people felt regret before dying," the Grim Reaper said with excitement. I asked her, "Are there other people who gave up their lives?" She replied, "Yes, because I read their minds first and only negotiated with those who were willing to exchange with me."
"You seem to believe that only when someone sees the end, they will desire to live. Everyone starts with the same thoughts. They plan to create happy memories during the remaining three years, turn back time to achieve certain goals, and become more positive for a short time. Then, they discover their true nature during this period," she explained.
"Their true nature?" I asked.
"Yes, because by turning back time, they can erase their failures. People who were originally timid and afraid of failure become fearless, and with momentum, they can even succeed effortlessly. Once they gain confidence, people around them treat them differently. Then, they'll regret and realize, 'I could've regained my life with just a slight adjustment!'"
I thought to myself: It's not surprising that such people exist.
"I don't get it. Since you want humans to feel regret, there's no need to advise me, right?"
"Because the way of using the silver watch is so boring."
The Grim Reaper made a face that showed she was genuinely bored.
"How can there be a distinction between interesting and boring ways of using it?"
"That depends on the person."
"Listen!" the Grim Reaper began her earnest admonishment.
"Most humans who get the silver snake watch at first earn money, spend lavishly, and play recklessly. You've experienced this stage too, right? But those people usually won't interfere with a suicidal girl like Tsukimi Ichinose; they seek excitement. Some people use the ability to turn back time as a shield and engage in crimes, expose aggression; others pretend to be able to predict the future, attract attention, and try to satisfy their need for self-expression. The ways of using the watch differ from person to person, but they are all to satisfy their desires and indulge themselves."
"However..." the Grim Reaper looked at me with contempt.
"Your way of using it is not only boring but also aims to make yourself regret."
"I don't see it that way. I use the silver watch to interfere with Ichinose's suicide as I please," I retorted.
"But it seems like you have accumulated quite a bit of fatigue," she pointed out.
I had no response. However, I firmly believed that I used the silver watch to prevent Ichinose from committing suicide for my sake. No matter what the Grim Reaper said, it was for myself.
"Please, use that silver watch more for your own desires. The more you rely on it, the more ridiculous your final moments will be," the Grim Reaper said, trying to entertain herself.
I didn't abandon my life for the sake of entertaining this guy.
Nor did I interfere with Ichinose's suicide for the sake of regretting it later.
"I'm not obligated to cooperate with your free research," I said, picking up the receipt and standing up.
"I will continue to interfere with her suicide, and I have no intention of regretting it."
I only have a year and a half left to live. I will do what I want to do for myself.
Moreover, this guy seems unable to predict the future.
From what she just said, if she could predict the future, she wouldn't have given the silver watch to humans for such boring purposes. Her statement about me regretting it was nothing more than a guess.
If you think being able to read minds means knowing everything, you're mistaken.
"Mr. Aida," the Grim Reaper called out to me just as I was about to leave my seat, causing me to stop in my tracks.
"All the people who receive the Ouroboros silver watch end up feeling regret," she said while sitting in her seat, not looking at me.
"Do you know why?" she asked.
I didn't answer.
"Because I only give the watch to people who will regret it," she continued, turning her head to smile at me.
"After all, I can read minds!"
Hearing this, I smiled back.
Well then, congratulations—you've met the first person who won't regret it.
6
On the second July 1st after I gave up my life, it was a sunny Wednesday.
That day, my phone rang.
The ringtone woke me up from sleep, and at first, I thought it was my alarm. It was the first time I used my phone for its original purpose, to answer a call.
I answered the phone while still in a daze; it was Ichinose calling!
She was the only one who knew my phone number.
In my hoarse morning voice, I asked, "What's wrong?"
"I want to die," she said directly.
Straight to the point.
I asked her where she was, but my mind was still foggy from just waking up. We decided to meet at the same old bridge as before. After the call ended, I tried to check the time, but my vision was blurry, and I couldn't see the screen clearly. In a state of consciousness separate from my body, I headed to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face.
I hurriedly got ready and went to the bridge.
It was still early; it was 10 in the morning. I forced my body, which had just woken up, to run.
By the time I reached the bridge, Ichinose was already there.
"I didn't expect you to call... Are you thinking of giving up on suicide...?" I asked.
"No, I want to go somewhere today," Ichinose replied.
Ichinose not only called me but also took the initiative to suggest going somewhere.
That was a first. I wondered if I was dreaming and pinched my cheeks, but all I got was Ichinose's disdainful gaze. "What are you doing?" she said.
Ichinose waved to me, but I asked her where we were going, and she said it was a secret, not telling me. It was completely different from her usual behavior. I followed her, full of question marks. To be safe, I pinched my cheeks again, and this time, Ichinose looked at me with a contemptuous expression.
"You seem a bit strange today," I said, to which she replied, "It's just that. Can't I be a bit different sometimes?" However, I felt that she was just brushing me off. I didn't want to press the issue, but she was indeed different today.
Fortunately, she was willing to communicate with me, unlike last time when we could barely talk. She looked much more cheerful than when she cried last time.
After about 20 minutes of walking, we arrived at a local public park.
The park was so big that you couldn't explore it all in one day. Many people came from afar to visit the only tourist attraction in the area, and I had been there a few times as a child.
At the entrance, we had to pay an admission fee, but Ichinose insisted on paying for both of us. I tried to stop her since it didn't feel right to let a middle school student pay, and we argued for a few minutes.
In the end, we decided to play rock-paper-scissors, and the winner would pay. I won.
After entering the park, there was a long waterway that stretched straight ahead like a river.
The waterway sprayed water at regular intervals, and you could hear the sound of water splashes. Two rows of tree-lined avenues stretched straight on either side of the waterway, and besides us, there were other families with children and elderly couples walking along the tree-lined avenues.
As it was July, the weather was getting a bit hot, so the sound of water splashing sounded especially refreshing. The gentle breeze rustled the leaves, and the sound of twigs breaking underfoot made it feel like we were in a forest.
"I like this quiet place," Ichinose said.
Unlike her usual guarded attitude while walking, she looked very calm. As she admired the scenery, her eyes were very gentle. I said, "I think I can understand how you feel." She smiled and replied, "That's good."
After passing the tree-lined avenues on both sides of the waterway, we saw a large pond. Several swan boats and rowing boats floated on the pond, reflecting the clear blue sky on the water surface.
I bought two bottles of marble soda from a nearby shop and handed one to Ichinose. Seeing the marble soda, a nostalgic feeling surged in my heart, even though I didn't have any special memories related to it.
The marbles dropped into the bottle, producing tiny bubbles. Ichinose seemed unsure how to open the marble soda, and after a struggle, I helped her open it, earning me a round of applause from her.
As the carbonation exploded in our mouths, we quenched our thirst. Ichinose probably didn't like carbonated drinks; she stared at the marbles in the bottle and drank slowly, savoring each sip.
After finishing the drink, she waved her hand towards the water. Countless carp gathered on the water's surface, probably thinking they would get some feed.
Speaking of which, the shop I bought the marble soda from also seemed to sell carp feed. I returned to the shop and bought carp feed to give to her. When I handed it to her, she had a gleaming look in her eyes.
There was a boathouse nearby, and we decided to paddle a swan boat while feeding the carp.
In the tourist area, you often see swan boats for two people. They seemed to have been used for decades, creaking as soon as we sat down. The paint was chipped and peeled off, and even the steering wheel was rusty. I was worried I might get seasick before, but now I was worried about the boat sinking.
We both pressed on the pedals, but the speed was slower than we imagined. We hadn't gone far, and the pedals were heavy. I was afraid that Ichinose's slender legs would break.
"Mr. Aida, you look on the right, and I'll look on the left."
Ichinose earnestly searched for the carp, but they quickly swam over from the opposite side.
Or should I say, by the time I noticed, we were surrounded by a large group of carp, so many that it was impossible to count them. Even Ichinose was startled and said, "It's a bit scary..."
After feeding them, the carp splashed out of the water, creating water splashes. Anxious thoughts filled my mind, worrying that the boat might capsize. However, Ichinose was completely absorbed in feeding the carp, leaning out of the boat. I reached out and grabbed her clothes from behind to prevent her from falling into the water, but she seemed completely unaware.
Even after we finished feeding, the carp refused to leave the boat's side, so Ichinose started talking to them, saying, "Sorry, there's no more food." I couldn't forget her expression when she cried; I was always haunted by it. Seeing her like this again, I felt a bit relieved.
After the swan boat ride, we wandered around the park and then went to the food street for a belated lunch. We ordered ordinary oolong noodles served in disposable containers, but somehow, the meal tasted especially delicious in this place, it was incredible. After finishing the noodles, Ichinose even had some ice cream.
The shop sold various toys, balls, frisbees, and more. I didn't feel like doing any intense physical activity, so I bought bubble water and a picnic mat from the shop and went to the central grassy area of the park.
A vast expanse of green grass stretched out before us, covered with countless picnic mats. There were elderly couples enjoying their packed lunches, fathers playing with their children with a ball, couples playing frisbee with their pets, and everyone was immersed in their own activities.
In the center of the grassy area stood a large tree, like the park's landmark. But from where we were, it looked very far away and small. We walked on the grass, heading towards the big tree.
After arriving under the shade of the tree and spreading out the colorful picnic mat, we both sat on it. Even though it was uneven underneath, Ichinose casually sat in a kneeling position. Didn't it hurt?
When the wind blew, the mottled tree shadows swayed, accompanied by the faint sound of rustling leaves.
Laughter came from outside the shade, and my gaze unintentionally turned to the source of the sound. In front of us, there was a couple playing badminton. Due to the wind, when the girlfriend hit the shuttlecock, it flew far beyond the boyfriend, and when the boyfriend hit it, it couldn't reach the front. It couldn't be called badminton anymore; it was more like another game. However, the two of them were laughing uncontrollably.
Observing others like this, it felt like the world inside and outside the shade of the tree were entirely different. I felt like a spectator peering out from a world under the shade, envious of the world outside.
In reality, if Ichinose weren't with me, I would probably feel completely out of place.
Looking around, very few people came to this park alone. And even if they did, they were either sketching or napping on their picnic mats, fully blending in.
I can say with certainty that if I were to come here alone, I would never be able to fit in. I can't find the right words to describe it; it feels like everything about me is different from those outside the shade.
That difference isolates me.
Unless I can eliminate this difference, I won't be able to dispel the thought of wanting to die. The Grim Reaper said I would regret staying with Ichinose, but how could that be? If Ichinose gave up on suicide, we wouldn't have come to this park together. The result would have been just a return to our ordinary lives.
In any case, the day I regret giving up on life will never come.
While contemplating these thoughts, Ichinose suddenly jumped up.
"Bugs! There are bugs!"
She pulled on my clothes, pointing to the edge of the picnic mat.
There was a small ant walking there.
"What's there to be afraid of?" I grabbed the ant and released it onto the tree trunk, but Ichinose kept checking the picnic mat for more bugs.
I took out the bubble water from the bag and handed it to Ichinose, trying to distract her.
Two green straws, four pink containers filled with bubble water, one for each of us. We blew bubbles together. Countless bubbles floated lightly out of the straws, flying outside the shade and disappearing in an instant.
"You're really not suited for blowing bubbles," Ichinose giggled from outside the shade.
"I know," I replied, "on the other hand, you look like a painting when you blow bubbles." Like a soap bubble that could burst at any moment, she looked dreamy and incredibly fitting.
I continued to gaze from under the shade.
"Hey, how about a competition?" I asked Ichinose, who had come back to the shade.
"A competition?" She tilted her head in response.
"Whoever's bubble flies the farthest wins. The loser has to do what the winner says."
After a few seconds of contemplation, Ichinose stared at me disdainfully and said, "If you win, you'll definitely ask me to give up on suicide, won't you?" I replied, "Not necessarily." However, she seemed to have no faith in me and asked, "Really?"
"I got it. I won't ask you to give up on suicide. Is that okay?"
After I made the suggestion, she looked skeptical at first but eventually agreed.
Standing in the same spot, we both blew a bubble. Whoever's bubble flew the farthest would win. After setting the rules, Ichinose blew her bubble first.
She puffed up her cheeks and blew with force, creating a large bubble that burst before leaving the shade.
Seeing this, I was confident of my victory.
"I'll try again, the previous one doesn't count," I said as I blew another bubble, but the two kids still managed to pop it. They found it so much fun and were happily jumping around.
"It seems like they want you to blow more bubbles," Ichinose said with a smile.
I tried to convince the kids to leave, but they showed no signs of going away.
I continued to try persuading them and kept blowing bubbles, but all efforts were in vain. I had become their playmate, and even so, I kept blowing bubbles. This time, Ichinose poked the bubbles with her fingers as they flew around. Then, she put on her shoes and went straight to the two kids.
"Let's have a competition to see who can pop the most bubbles, okay?" Ichinose gently said to the kids while supporting her knees, seemingly intending to play with them. Her unusually cheerful demeanor stirred something inside me. "Aiba, come on, hurry up!" She clapped her hands, urging me to blow more bubbles.
I blew with all my strength, and the kids started chasing the bubbles playfully. Ichinose seemed to go easy on them, pretending to attempt to pop the bubbles but actually letting them have fun.
Ichinose's appearance while playing with the bubbles was genuinely cheerful and innocent.
She smiled like that when we returned from the quasi-aquarium. Her happiness had a sort of magical power, making me want to care for her without realizing it.
Ichinose usually had an expressionless face, and it wasn't easy to make her laugh. If she weren't a girl contemplating suicide but just an ordinary girl, I would probably see her smile more often. It's a real shame.
After playing for a while, the kids' parents found us, thanked us, and took the kids away. As they bid farewell, the kids waved their hands vigorously, saying, "Let's play together next time!" Ichinose waved back with a smile, saying, "See you next time." I also waved feebly.
"They left," Ichinose said, turning her head, and I blew a bubble towards her.
"Ah! You don't need to blow anymore!" she exclaimed.
"What do you mean by 'Let's have a competition to see who can pop the most bubbles'?" I retorted. "Watch how I deal with you!"
"Aiba, you're going to get bubble solution on your hair!"
While blowing bubbles, I chased after Ichinose, who was laughing and running away.
Countless sparkling soap bubbles danced around her.
"Watch me fight back!" Ichinose also took out bubble water, and the two of us excitedly blew bubbles at each other, like elementary school students.
I wanted to forever admire Ichinose's innocent appearance while blowing bubbles, but both of us soon ran out of energy and ended up panting as we returned to the shade of the tree.
I collapsed on the picnic mat, and Ichinose sat beside me, supporting herself with her hands behind her back, gazing up at the trees as she regulated her breathing.
As I lay there gazing at the sunbeams filtering through the branches and swaying with the wind, my emotions felt peculiar.
It was strange to find myself in this situation. I had thought I would spend my remaining three years of life alone, but now, I was frolicking like a fool, lying on the picnic mat.
The fact that I was blending in like an "ordinary person" with the grassland felt unbelievable, utterly surreal.
"Why does Ichinose have to die?" I looked at Ichinose beside me, pondering another inexplicable thing.
I understood the reason behind her suicide – she couldn't get along with her family, had no friends, and felt trapped with no way out.
What I found inexplicable was why she had to choose suicide?
She was just an ordinary girl, right? She hadn't done anything wrong. As long as she wanted to, she could live without resorting to suicide. It was only natural for her to exist in this society.
Yet Ichinose chose suicide, and I was obstructing her from seeking death.
The incomprehensible fate and society that led her to choose suicide left me bewildered.
There are just so many irrational things in this world, which is why I wanted to turn off the power to this trash game as soon as possible and choose to abandon my life.
However, no matter what, I did not want to approve of her choice to die by suicide.
"Do you really have no intention of giving up suicide?" I asked Ichinose as I lay there.
"As long as you're willing to give up suicide, I'm willing to do anything for you. If you want to retaliate against those who bullied you, I'll help you. I can buy you dolls every day until your stepfather stops throwing them away. Anything, as long as you give up suicide," I spoke my heart directly.
I just hoped she would give up suicide, nothing more. It was then that I truly felt that my intentions were not about easing my guilt or finding an excuse for myself; I simply wanted to stop Ichinose Tsukimi from dying by suicide.
However, Ichinose's response was, "I'm sorry."
"I came here today to thank you for everything before the end," she said.
I instinctively sat up, asking, "What do you mean by 'the end'?"
Without looking at me, Ichinose gazed at the distant sky and said:
"I'm going to jump off a bridge tomorrow."
In that moment, her profile appeared satisfied, even serene. Calm, resolute, devoid of confusion, she firmly rejected my sincere words.
"I wanted to thank you before I die, at least."
"No, wait. How did things come to this? And you have no reason to thank me..."
I hurriedly tried to persuade her, but she smiled at me and said, "It's not like that at all."
"I've always been afraid, afraid that no one would be willing to support me, and I'd die all alone. In reality, without you, I think I would have left this world a long time ago."
She maintained her composed expression and calm voice as she continued, "When you stopped me from committing suicide, I felt relieved. Just the thought that someone cared about me made me feel redeemed. Although I always said humble and rebellious things... I was actually happy."
Ichinose smiled again, seemingly trying to hide her embarrassment.
In the past, I had obstructed her suicide for my own satisfaction. Hearing her thank me, I felt a mix of emotions, but despite that, I felt happy. That's why my desire for her to give up suicide grew stronger.
I grabbed Ichinose's shoulder.
"So, don't commit suicide, just keep living, okay?"
However, she shook her head in response, "The time I spent with you in the last six months brought comfort to my soul, but it only provided temporary relief. Even if I tell myself I must go to school, just seeing the school uniform overwhelms me with anxiety, making me want to escape. I don't have the courage to return to school, nor the confidence to live with my family... Even if I continue living, I'll only be endlessly troubled. I'm tired, I've had enough."
I gently withdrew my hand from her shoulder.
"You're the only one who stands by my side and supports me, but I don't want to burden you anymore. You take me out to play and even pay for everything... I'm truly sorry."
Then, Ichinose faced me, revealing a smile on her face, just like before.
"Thank you for caring about me."
A gust of wind blew.
Ichinose's hair fluttered in the breeze.
The rustling of leaves and sounds from beyond the shade were mere noise in my ears.
Perhaps this was the most beautiful way to end things.
Was there anything else I could do for her? I could only hinder her from committing suicide when she didn't want to resolve the bullying issue or felt powerless about her family situation.
In the past, it had only been a miraculous coincidence that enabled me to prevent her suicide. Maybe soon, it would be time for us to part.
What would Ichinose, who was determined to commit suicide, be thinking as her life came to an end? I had emphasized many times that I would keep obstructing her from dying. If I hadn't saved her, she might have felt betrayed, and that wouldn't be surprising.
Rather than experiencing such a parting, it might be better to say our farewells here and now, standing by Ichinose's side until the end.
I had done my best.
However, Ichinose still chose suicide.
It would be laughable if it ended without me fulfilling my self-serving desires.
She wanted to end her life.
So, let it be as she wished.
However...
"What are you talking about?"
What am I saying?
"Huh..."
Without holding back, I spoke frankly to a puzzled Ichinose, "Listen here! I didn't stop you from committing suicide because I wanted to save you. It's because your death would leave me unable to find closure! That's why I've been obstructing you from suicide and spending so much money! If you were to die after just saying thank you, wouldn't I be at a huge loss? If you want to die, pay me back for all the money I've spent and thrown into the river, plus one million more!"
Even I felt my words were incoherent.
Whether it was selfish or not, there was really no need for a reason.
I just wanted to stop her from committing suicide, that's all.
"How could I possibly afford that? You said I was going to die soon, so you told me not to be polite and let you treat me! And the money in the envelope... Ah!"
Ichinose retorted vigorously, and I roughly patted her head.
"I'll keep hindering you from committing suicide until you give up," I said firmly.
Ichinose tidied her disheveled hair while still looking annoyed.
"...You really aren't my ally; you're my enemy."
"Enemy or not, it doesn't matter," I said bluntly as I blew a soap bubble.
The bubble didn't even fly out of the shade before popping with a "snap."
"...Ordinary people don't just fork out a million like that for someone's peace of mind."
"Compared to your life, it's cheap."
"My life is utterly worthless."
Puffing her cheeks, she blew a bubble, but it popped before reaching the shade.
"Don't belittle yourself like that. Besides, suicide won't bring you an easy death."
"...I know. Don't threaten me just because I'm a kid; it won't work."
"I'm not threatening you; I just don't want you to suffer."
After I said that, Ichinose replied softly, "You're such a weirdo," and then blew another bubble.
From then on, we didn't say another word until we heard the announcement to close the park.
"Oh, by the way, the bubble-blowing competition didn't determine a winner."
Just before we stepped out of the park, I suddenly remembered something. It was only then that the silent Ichinose spoke up, "I completely forgot about that."
"I guess I violated the rules and lost. After all, I popped your bubble earlier," she said, surprisingly admitting her defeat. "Except for the suicide part, I did listen to what you said," she added, showing her true nature.
"Then you'll accompany me to that?" I pointed at the poster stuck on the entrance gate, depicting a fireworks display.
"The fireworks festival?"
This park held a fireworks festival every late August, and the poster indicated that this year's festival would take place on August 22nd.
"Ahh... so your intention is to prevent me from committing suicide before the fireworks festival."
Although my motive was exposed immediately, I played dumb. "So there's this plan too, I never thought of it." This idea was inspired by a report on euthanasia. By setting a deadline of "before the fireworks festival," she might obediently comply. It might only buy some time, but perhaps it could change this seemingly hopeless situation.
"Anyway, you must keep your promise. If you don't want to stay at home, just call me anytime."
"Do I really have to call you..."
She replied ambiguously, and I handed her the bag containing the container of bubble solution.
"Don't worry about it. So, don't talk about dying tomorrow and try a bit harder."
"I'll try until the fireworks festival, then!" Ichinose said with resignation, taking the bag.
"Be careful on your way home."
"Really, only until the day of the fireworks festival."
Before parting, she confirmed once again, seeming like she would keep her promise.
I still couldn't agree with her suicide.
There were still over fifty days until the fireworks festival.
I would use these fifty days to do everything I could to prevent her from taking her life.
(If you like this novel, please go to novelupdate and recommend it as well as leave a review to it.)
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