Chapter 2 Part 1

This chapter has around 19 thousand words. That's why its in parts.

__________________________

Volume 1

Chapter 2 - Like Soap Bubbles (1)

"Order whatever you want, I'll treat you."

I looked at the menu in the family restaurant and said that.

"No need, I'd rather not eat anything and starve."

Ichinose stubbornly refused, but her stomach was growling.

"If you don't order, then I'll order a children's set menu."

"Don't do that."

On the second April 23rd after I gave up my life, it was a sunny Thursday.

On this day, Ichinose attempted her 15th suicide.

Instead of choosing to jump off the platform at the station as she had done before, she attempted jumping off at a level crossing this time. In a negative sense, this could be considered a memorable day... I hope it's her first and last time doing this.

Even if I returned to the past and tried to persuade Ichinose standing in front of the level crossing, she would only reply, "I don't want to, I want to commit suicide here. Goodbye." She wouldn't listen to any persuasion.

I had no choice but to grab her hand and try to pull her away from the level crossing, but she resisted like a pet dog unwilling to go to the vet.

Of course, if I used force, I could easily drag her away from the level crossing. However, I didn't want to forcefully pull her delicate and fragile arms, which were as delicate as candy figures.

Helplessly, I had to resort to the final option, lifting Ichinose in a princess carry and running.

While carrying her away, she probably pleaded with me to put her down about 28 times, but I felt that if I let her go, she would run back to the railway tracks, so I ignored her.

She struggled more violently than I had imagined, and her limbs flail about, hitting my face. It was quite painful.

After carrying her away from the level crossing for a distance, some elementary school students who were going home pointed and laughed at her.

She blushed and surrendered, saying that she really wouldn't commit suicide today, and asked me to put her down. So, I complied.

Then we entered a nearby family restaurant, and as soon as we sat down at a table, she spoke up:

"Hey, Mr. Aiba, it's alright if you want to prevent me from committing suicide... No, it's not alright! But please don't act like you did today."

Seeing her unusually anxious to scold me, I smiled and replied, "It's so eye-catching."

"Why are you laughing? It's so embarrassing!"

"Isn't it a precious experience? Even elementary school kids were watching."

"That's right, even elementary school kids were watching... I was planning to forget about it!"

Ichinose buried her face in the table, hiding her red face and ears.

"I'm embarrassed too, you know? It goes both ways."

"You dare to say that... You were laughing when you put me down, weren't you?"

It's quite comical to run around with a girl from a middle school in broad daylight.

Why did things end up like this?

"In any case, if you don't want me to carry you like a princess, then give up on suicide!"

With her face still on the table, she weakly replied, "I won't."

After knowing Ichinose for about four months, although she was willing to talk to me more, there were still no signs of her giving up on suicide. Apart from preventing her from committing suicide, I had no other ways to help her.

However, it's an improvement that we're having more conversations. When I first met her, even if I tried to talk to her, she would just reply with "I don't need money" and end the conversation. I tried to gain her trust, but I always missed the mark and dug my own grave each time. It's bitter to think about it.

She often wears the same clothes when attempting suicide. Today, she's wearing a white tank top with a white cardigan over it, paired with a light pink skirt.

I bet she was wearing a white coat when I first met her in the cold season. Perhaps she likes to dress in white. In fact, such attire complements her beautiful black long hair, and I think it suits her very well.

Ichinose wears the clothes she likes when attempting suicide, while I don't pay much attention to fashion, so I find her choice of funeral clothes rather unique and charming.

Once, because I didn't notice her intentions, I said something idiotic like, "Let me buy you new clothes! You keep wearing the same outfit, you must be tired of it. It's nice to wear something different occasionally." It upset her. Even if it takes a million yen, I need to be extremely cautious about this part, and I deeply reflected on it.

Compared to back then, her willingness to enter the family restaurant with me is already significant progress. I comforted myself while looking at her sulking in front of me.

After ten minutes of entering the restaurant, I urged Ichinose, "I want to order, so please decide what you want to eat quickly." However, she still refused, her stomach growling as she said, "I won't eat."

However, when I called the waitress to order something for myself, she quickly raised her head and used the menu to cover her face. She probably didn't want the female server to see her disheveled appearance.

So, when I ordered the beef stewed rice and asked her, "Have you decided what to eat yet?" she awkwardly replied, "Not yet." I suppose she didn't want to say something like "I'm not eating" in front of the female server, as it would seem like a childish excuse.

The young female server smiled and said to her, "Take your time, it's okay." So she reluctantly ordered the same meal as mine.

After the server left, she sighed and said, "This will be my last meal."

I continued tidying up the menu and replied half-heartedly, "Sure, sure."

Since we've been spending more time together, I've noticed that she cares a lot about what others think of her.

There are different ways of caring about others' opinions, and she seems to be quite fearful and defensive.

If a group of people around her age passes by, she often hides behind me. I think she's afraid of encountering classmates or people who bullied her.

Additionally, she seems sensitive to the gazes of police officers or shopkeepers, probably because she's used to wandering around early in the mornings on weekdays.

Her cautious demeanor, as if surviving in a harsh natural environment, makes her seem like she's living a difficult life. Her attractive appearance naturally draws people's attention, so it's easy to associate her with those eye-catching animals that seem to live a tough life.

Watching Ichinose so guarded against others' gazes fills me with deep sadness, and recently, I've started to feel guilty about prolonging her life in this state.

It's really a twisted situation, and no matter what choice I make, it seems I can't escape this feeling of guilt.

What should I do to save her?

I kept my gaze fixed on Ichinose as I contemplated. The sunlight coming in through the window reflected off her fair skin, making it slightly dazzling. She noticed it shortly afterward.

"Is there something on my face?"

"I was thinking about how I could convince you to give up on suicide."

Ichinose sighed and replied in a templated manner, "Just say I won't give up on suicide."

"If the people bullying you stop and apologize to you, would you give up on suicide?"

Ichinose immediately shook her head, without even considering the possibility.

"Apologizing now would only add to my troubles."

She spoke with a resigned tone, as if voluntarily choosing suicide.

"I don't think they will apologize. If a simple 'I'm sorry' could erase the past, I don't want their apologies. By remaining a victim, my mind feels lighter, and I don't want to see them again or think about their faces."

I remained silent. If resolving the bullying incidents could make her give up on suicide, I would not hesitate to pay the bullies, make them apologize, or use any means necessary.

However, Ichinose herself doesn't want the bullying incidents to be resolved.

And it's not surprising.

Even if they apologize, it won't change anything. The phase where a simple "I'm sorry" could have resolved things has long passed. Since there's no way to resolve things satisfactorily, it's natural for her to prefer not seeing them anymore over receiving an apology.

"Thank you for waiting."

Two plates of beef stewed rice were brought to the table, and she glanced at me. I urged her to eat while it's hot and she picked up her spoon to start eating.

Perhaps the dish was hotter than she expected; after the first bite, tears welled up in her eyes, and she quickly drank some water to cool down the second mouthful of rice before eating it. It seems she's afraid of hot food.

"Do you have any unfulfilled wishes?"

I asked her while eating my beef stewed rice.

"You mean, if I don't have any unfulfilled wishes, you'll agree to let me commit suicide?"

"Why do you interpret it that way? I was hoping that if you had unfulfilled wishes, you might consider giving up on suicide. So, do you have any?"

"How could I?!" She dismissively denied it, without even giving it a second thought.

"I'm more curious about why you're trying to stop me?"

She blew on her spoon and gave me a disdainful look.

"How can I just ignore someone who wants to commit suicide?"

"It's my own choice to die. What's it to you?" Ichinose replied with an annoyed expression, adding, "Normally, no one would even know if someone is contemplating suicide."

"Is there no one who observes their surroundings?" I pointed to a group of middle-aged women chatting nearby and made a casual guess. "Those women probably won't commit suicide."

"I can tell that much," she replied dumbfoundedly.

"Doesn't anyone in your family observe you?"

"No, even my family thinks I'm just joking."

"They think you're joking?" I asked, ignoring her request, and she waved her hand nervously, trying to cover up and said, "Please pretend you didn't hear that."

"Have you ever confessed to your family that you want to commit suicide?"

I continued to probe, and she reluctantly nodded.

"I wouldn't call it a confession; I just muttered 'I want to die'."

"How did your family react?"

Ichinose lowered her head and shook it.

"They don't like me."

"They don't like you?"

Ichinose hesitated to tell me about her family.

She said that shortly after she entered high school, her father passed away from cancer, and her mother remarried a year later. Now, she lives with her mother, stepfather, and two stepsisters, a family of five.

Everyone in the family knows that Ichinose is being bullied at school, but her stepfather is very strict and follows the educational philosophy that no matter what happens, she must go to school.

Naturally, they argue almost every day about her not wanting to go to school. He verbally abuses her and hits her, forcing her to go to school. To escape her stepfather, she leaves home early every morning and stays outside until evening.

Her two stepsisters couldn't stand Ichinose's defiance against their father's authority. They mocked and taunted her, and in severe cases, even resorted to violence against her. Even her mother, who initially sided with her, gradually turned to support her stepfather, leaving Ichinose isolated and alone.

Feeling exhausted from this situation, Ichinose unconsciously expressed her desire to die in front of her family. However, no one sympathized with her. Her stepfather yelled at her, "If you want to die, just go ahead and die!" Her stepsisters scolded her, "Stop pretending to be a tragic heroine!" Her mother, on the other hand, turned a blind eye.

After explaining her relationship with her family, Ichinose lowered her head in silence. I asked her:

"Are you considering suicide to prove to your family that you are serious about it? If so, it's not worth going down that path because of those people."

"Maybe that's one of the reasons," Ichinose replied, then continued:

"Mainly, I'm just worn out. I have no friends at school, and at home, I'm verbally abused by my father and looked down upon by my stepsisters. My mother doesn't care about me either. There's no peace for me, neither at home nor at school. I want to put an end to this kind of life as soon as possible."

Then she continued, "So, Mr. Aiba..."

"No one will be sad if I die; some might even feel relieved. I don't want to live anymore. Since no one will be troubled by my death, it doesn't matter if I end my life."

I was at a loss for words; it felt like whatever I said would be just a feeble attempt at comforting her.

Indeed, as someone who had given up on life, I couldn't find any words that would make her give up on suicide.

However, I still couldn't agree with her decision to commit suicide...

"No, you can't," I said, trying to offer some guidance, but the impact of these three words was too weak. I suppose, for Ichinose, whether she heard those words or not didn't make any difference. Even I felt pathetic about it. What would an ordinary person say in such a situation?

- Why am I so obsessed with her?

I've asked and answered this question countless times. Even though I harbor guilt towards her, is it necessary to go this far? After all, I'll be gone in two years. Why bother with other people's issues? Shouldn't I just mind my own business?

Yet, I can't help but imagine.

What if I hadn't interfered with her suicide?

What would be her fate right now?

Perhaps her fair skin would be peeled off due to the impact of the train hitting her. The hand that now holds the spoon would be crushed by the wheels. Her favorite clothes would be stained with vivid red as she dies in agony, witnessing herself in that moment.

Traffic accidents often use the term "immediate death," but in reality, death doesn't always happen in an instant; it often takes place in a short period.

The same applies to jumping in front of a train. Even if she were hit and sent flying, it doesn't guarantee immediate death or suffocation. She might die while witnessing her own body being crushed by the wheels.

The more I think about it, the harder it becomes for me to convince myself to "not care about Ichinose's suicide," especially after I tried to talk to her with the hope of changing her mind.

If I were to tell her the fact that jumping in front of a train wouldn't guarantee immediate death, she might reconsider. However, trying to prevent her suicide through threats would be meaningless.

In the end, I can only continue to think about other ways to prevent her from taking her own life.

While lost in my thoughts, Ichinose wore her usual displeased expression and remained silent. Every time our eyes met, she puffed her cheeks, and she didn't speak until we finished our meal.

As I approached the cash register to pay, I suddenly remembered something.

"Oh, by the way, take this."

I handed Ichinose a phone card with a small dog printed on it.

I had previously given her a note with my phone number, but she had always refused to take it. After the first refusal, she tore the note, and only on the third attempt did she finally accept it.

I told her, "Call me if you ever feel like dying or if something happens." But she didn't even have a phone, and she didn't carry much change.

A few days ago, I prepared the phone card and put it in my wallet to give to her, so she could use a public phone to call me anytime.

"It's so cute... Wait, what is this?" Ichinose stared at the dog printed on the phone card and asked.

"Don't tell me you don't know what a phone card is?" I replied, feeling the generation gap between us.

"Don't they have public phones at the station? You can insert the card and make a call. If something happens, you can call me on the number I gave you before."

"I already threw away that note because I couldn't make a call before."

"I can't believe you..." I was dumbfounded as I quickly wrote my phone number on the back of the receipt and handed it to her.

"Call me anytime if you feel like dying or are confused, regardless of whether it's early morning or the middle of the night."

"I'll die before making that call."

"Enough with the nonsense, just take it."

She didn't want to accept it, but I forced the receipt into her hand. That day, we parted ways at the same spot where we met.

"Goodbye, and don't show up again."

"Until next time, be careful on your way home."

"I'll be careless on my way home."

As I watched her gradually shrinking figure, I felt anxious.

Resolving the bullying incidents seems futile.

Every family has their own troubles.

I don't know what to do; is there any way to resolve this? As someone who's evading life, I am completely clueless.

However, there has been some progress. Ichinose is now willingly sharing details about her family, which surprises me. When I first met her, she was impenetrable.

She has slowly let down her guard.

Continuing to interfere might lead to further progress.

２

On the second May 5th after I gave up on life, a sunny Tuesday, it was Ichinose's sixteenth suicide attempt.

This time, she chose to jump from the "old bridge," the place where I used to visit during my high school days. It was also where I encountered the Grim Reaper and where she initially attempted suicide. Although it was a large bridge, it had no official name, so I could only call it the "old bridge."

Ichinose's suicide attempts were mainly jumping from the bridge or throwing herself onto train tracks. In terms of frequency, she attempted jumping from the bridge more often, so I knew which direction she would come from.

As if we had arranged to meet at the bridge, I waved at Ichinose, and she greeted me with a clear expression of disgust, saying, "Hello."

"I'm here today to show you how beautiful life can be."

"Is that so? Goodbye."

"W-wait a moment."

Ichinose attempted to run away, but I grabbed her slender arm to stop her.

"You don't want to go home today, right?"

"...That's right."

"Then let's spend some time together. If you don't come with me..."

"You'll princess-carry me again, won't you?"

Ichinose said this as if she had given up. Is this what they call a soulmate connection? Probably not.

I headed to the nearest station from the bridge. Ichinose followed not far behind. I thought maybe I was walking too fast, but it seemed she just wanted to hide behind me.

We arrived at the nearest station, took the train for a few stops, and got off. After a thirty-minute bus ride from the bus stop in front of the station, we arrived at a large shopping mall.

The journey seemed smooth, but in reality, Ichinose tried to escape when I bought the train ticket. On the train platform, she fiercely insisted that she wouldn't jump onto the tracks and asked me not to hold her hand. It was a chaotic situation, and it exhausted me.

Entering the building and checking the mall's floor plan, we made our way to our destination. I had been here a few times before, but the vast parking lot was always full, and the facilities inside were crowded with people.

This area was even more rural than the place I lived, with no other commercial facilities nearby. That's why this shopping mall, with various shops, became the center of life for the local residents.

"We're here. We'll spend some time here today."

"What do you mean, 'we're here'? Isn't this a movie theater?"

Today, I decided to pass the time by going to the movie theater attached to the shopping mall.

"Watching a movie about the passing of lives might help us understand the beauty of life."

I narrate these somewhat nonsensical words just as I usually do, without much thought.

Having lived a lone wolf life in both middle school and high school, my choice of words is rather plain. That's why I opted for a movie theater, where it's easy to create common topics of conversation.

"I see, that's absolutely impossible."

She firmly denies, but I hold her hand and lead her into the movie theater.

"I didn't bring money."

"Don't worry, today it's on me."

"Watching a movie with someone who's about to die is just wasting money."

"Since I'm about to die, there's no need to be polite."

Entering the movie theater, the dimly lit lobby has ticket counters, merchandise shops, and food stalls, while the large screen above plays movie previews.

Though it's attached to a shopping mall, it still retains the unique dim ambiance of a movie theater. Normally, I'd go to the large cinema near my home, not come all the way here. But today, taking Ichinose to the local theater might lead to running into her classmates, something she'd likely not enjoy. So that's why I chose this slightly more distant movie theater today.

However, there are a lot of families and young students as guests today. Ichinose, walking beside me, seems very aware of her surroundings.

I inquire, "Why are there so many students on a weekday?" and then it hits me.

It's Children's Day today.

Since I got the silver watch, the only day of the week I cared about was today, not realizing I had entered the Golden Week.

This shopping mall was already a popular spot for locals, so it's no wonder the crowd surges during Golden Week. For someone like me, who dislikes crowded places, and Ichinose, who cares about her peers' opinions, this situation is far from pleasant.

But then again, to choose suicide on Children's Day...

As I look at Ichinose, seemingly innocent at first glance, I contemplate this.

Sensing my gaze, she tilts her head as if to say, "Is there something on your mind?" completely indifferent to others' concerns. I sigh and she retorts somewhat angrily, "Just say what you want!" You're capable of reading people's expressions sometimes...

"Although I said we could watch a movie about the passing of lives, if you want to watch something else, that's fine too."

"Even if you say that, I have no idea what movies are currently showing."

"...Can't you show a little concern for something other than suicide?"

After my wry smile, her response is disappointing. She says, "Don't force the issue, okay?"

The posters displaying screening schedules are surrounded by people. I pick up a mini-version leaflet and step out of the crowd.

I ask Ichinose to choose a movie from the leaflet.

The first one I suggest is an annoyingly promoted romantic film on TV.

With a handsome lead actor, I thought Ichinose, like most girls, might enjoy a romantic movie. I suggested this with a superficial idea in mind. It's not that I insist on watching a movie about the passing of lives, but this romance film seems to have the main character suffering from an incurable illness, and based on the synopsis, his lover will die. The reviews are good too. I was thinking of deciding on this movie, but Ichinose's reaction is somewhat ambiguous.

"Um... I don't really understand emotions like love. Do you want to watch this?"

If Ichinose were attending school, having a boyfriend wouldn't be surprising. It sounds odd coming from her, but at the same time, it suits her personality.

Next, I suggest a movie depicting real warfare.

Not just lives lost, but corpses scattered everywhere. I tried to imagine Ichinose's reaction after watching it and saying, "I must be grateful for being born in a time without wars. I've decided not to commit suicide anymore." No, I can't imagine it.

She hugged her arms and said with a troubled expression, "I don't like watching gory movies…"

"You, who are always contemplating suicide, dare to say that!" I almost retorted, but managed to hold back.

The third suggestion was to watch a somewhat strange movie, a story about a unicorn beetle spending Christmas with its owner, a girl.

Unicorn beetles, creatures of summer, rarely make it to Christmas. It seems to be a movie with the theme of life's impermanence. After watching this, she might change her thoughts a bit, right?

"I'm afraid of bugs, so I can't do it. Let's watch something else!"

The unicorn beetle movie was instantly vetoed. Such is the uncertainty of life.

I then suggested a horror movie with ghosts appearing.

This one is not just about lives fading away; they're already dead. I didn't tell Ichinose that I just wanted to see her frightened.

"It feels scary…"

"Are you afraid of ghosts?"

"As long as it's fiction, I'm not scared, it's okay."

"If it's okay, then let's watch this one."

"But, what if they actually filmed real ghosts... Can you tell?"

"That's not called 'it's okay'; you're obviously terrified."

Next, I proposed a magical girl animation for kids to watch, and she scolded me for treating her like a child. In short, no matter which movie I suggested, she had a lukewarm reaction.

Finally, I decided to go with the "most acceptable" reason and watch the incurable love movie I initially suggested.

I bought two tickets and, as we waited in the lobby, I overheard a group of high school boys pointing at Ichinose and saying, "Don't you think that girl is cute?" "Go talk to her!" Ichinose, who was watching movie previews on the screen, didn't seem to notice.

While waiting for the movie to start, a sweet aroma wafted from the refreshment stand, probably the scent of caramel popcorn. Ichinose seemed drawn to it, looking in the same direction.

"Do you want something to eat?" I asked, and Ichinose politely declined, saying, "No, thanks." But seeing her envy the kids holding corn dogs, I decided to join the line.

I bought corn dogs and popcorn and handed them to her. At first, she tried to refuse, saying, "I don't need it." But I lied, saying, "It's a free gift for members, and I don't eat it." So she replied, "You leave me no choice," and accepted them with a smile.

Ichinose held the corn dogs with both hands, looking like a cute little animal, like a squirrel or something. But if I told her that, I'd get scolded again, so I kept my mouth shut.

After finishing the corn dogs, it was almost time to enter the theater, so we made our way inside and took our seats. Almost all the other seats were filled, and people were talking.

The lights went out, and the previews started, but they turned out to be previews for horror movies. I glanced at Ichinose sitting next to me and noticed she was tightly closing her eyes. Well, who's not scared now...

The actual movie was a typical story about a rare disease.

The female high school protagonist overcomes various challenges in her love life with her childhood friend, who was diagnosed with only six months to live. In the movie, other boys confess to the main character, and the dying boyfriend suggests breaking up so as not to hold her back, but in the end, the girl chooses to stay by his side until the end. The story concludes with a scene of the girl resolutely continuing to live for him.

Honestly, the story unfolded just as I expected from start to finish, and I couldn't shed a tear. The combination of alternating between salty and caramel-flavored popcorn moved me more than the movie itself.

However, as the movie reached the middle, I gradually heard sniffles from the other audience members; they seemed quite engrossed. There were also many young women among the viewers, so I realized I had picked the wrong movie.

Even Ichinose, who had previously said she didn't understand romantic feelings, was now shedding tears. By the way, during the kissing scenes, she covered the screen with her hand, looking visibly uneasy.

"Do you feel that life is truly precious?"

I asked Ichinose, who was still sniffling after the movie ended.

"... A bit," she replied, wiping her tears with a handkerchief.

"That's good. So, you won't attempt suicide again…"

"I will."

She immediately answered.

"Didn't watching the movie change your mind?"

"Of course not."

"I won't ask you to live like the characters in the movie, but I hope you'll have a little more will to live."

I said with a touch of regret, and Ichinose replied, sulking, "Reality is different from the movies. The movie was touching because it stopped at that scene."

I thought she would simply say 'impossible,' so I couldn't immediately grasp her intentions behind saying this.

"Besides, no one supports me or wishes for me to live."

"Isn't that person right in front of you? I hope you'll live, and if you die, I'll be sad for you."

Ichinose replied, puzzled, "Stop saying things that I don't know how to respond to."

I said, "You don't have to answer; just crying tears of joy will do."

"Because crying tears of joy to a lie... I'm not that simple."

"You were crying tears of joy just a while ago, what happened to that simplicity?"

Afterward, we discussed our feelings about the movie on the bus and train ride back home. I suggested, "Let's watch a horror movie next time." However, she strongly objected, saying, "I absolutely refuse."

"Be careful on your way home."

'I'll be careless on my way home.'"

After our usual banter, I finally understood the intention behind Ichinose's earlier remark. It seems that she juxtaposed herself, who lost her father, with the female protagonist who lost her boyfriend.

Just like Ichinose lost her father and her mother remarried, leaving her without a place to belong, the female protagonist also lost her significant other, and her future seemed bleak. Ichinose believes that this is the true ending.

Indeed, I don't think the female protagonist will have a bright future waiting for her either.

After experiencing such a profound love, can she really seek a new romance?

Can she find someone more important than the one she lost?

Seeing others happy and content with their partners, wouldn't she feel jealous?

In my mind, I can only picture the female protagonist living a difficult life.

I, who desperately wanted to be liked but couldn't achieve it, and the female protagonist, who couldn't see her beloved.

Who is more unfortunate, I wonder?

The reason I can't cry is that I consider their misfortune to be nothing more than a farce.

Not because it's a fictional story.

They are happy. The female protagonist didn't abandon her boyfriend, who had little time left, and loved him until his passing.

Even though there were other men pursuing her, she still chose her dying boyfriend. She was fortunate enough to meet a partner worth such devotion.

And the boyfriend was happy too, being accompanied by his lover until his last moments. Some people don't get to say goodbye, while others leave this world without meeting someone significant.

When I reach the end of my life, I will probably be miserable because I will die alone, without anyone knowing. In comparison, his passing was truly blissful.

I don't think they were unfortunate. Instead, I am annoyed by the shallow misfortune being fabricated into such a valuable tale.

Because I don't have anyone important to me, I cannot fully understand the sadness of losing someone dear. It's foolish to compare who is more unfortunate, but I just don't want to call such an ending "misfortune."

Feeling happier than them, I won't be recognized even if I give up my life as an excuse.

However, Ichinose's troubles have something in common with theirs.

As long as her problems remain unsolved, she may continue to consider suicide.

I gaze at the fiery red sunset and let out a deep sigh.

"Where do you want to go today?"

"I want to go to the underworld."

"Oh, I see. You want to go to an amusement park."

"That's not even close..."

On the second May 18th after I gave up my life, it was Monday, and the weather was clear.

This was the 17th time Ichinose attempted suicide.

Today, she tried to jump from the same bridge as before. She didn't call me this time either, and it seems she turned the phone card I gave her into an ornament.

As usual, I caught up with Ichinose at the bridge and interpreted her intentions according to my own thoughts. Ultimately, I decided to go to the amusement park.

"I don't know what to do at an amusement park."

A gentle breeze swept by, and Ichinose's black hair swayed gracefully in the wind.

"Don't you usually go to amusement parks?"

"I went a few times during elementary school, but it's been years since I've been."

I originally wanted to say that an amusement park is the best place to kill time, but Ichinose had no money, so saying that wouldn't help.

I really doubt her parents would give her any pocket money.

I can't remember when exactly it was, but after I stopped her from committing suicide at the station platform, I planned to take her to a slightly far-off town for sightseeing. However, she said, "I don't have enough money to get off the train, so I have to commit suicide." I persuaded her, saying, "Who commits suicide just because they don't have enough train fare?" and paid for her ticket.

Without money, her range of activities is limited. I didn't like staying home before, so I know very well that it's not easy to kill time on a student's budget.

It's not too bad during spring, but it takes some effort in the summer or winter. Speaking of which, she began attempting suicide on Christmas; how did she spend her time in winter?

"When you don't want to stay home, where do you usually go?"

After a few seconds of contemplation, Ichinose replied:

"To the park or the home improvement center."

"The home improvement center? Is it the one near the station?"

I haven't been there, but there's a large home improvement center near the station. Judging from her range of movement, that must be the only option.

"Yes. There's a shop selling tropical fish in that home improvement center."

"I see. So, you usually go there to watch fish and pass the time."

I asked her if she likes fish, and she answered with a smile, "Yeah, I really do."

"I like fish too, but they have super cute hexagonal dinosaurs there."

"Hexagonal dinosaurs?"

After my inquiry, she excitedly began talking about the advantages of hexagonal dinosaurs.

Their expression, which seemed lost in thought, the messy pink gills, four toes on the front foot and five on the back, and the dull part where their head hits the wall of the tank when facing this way...

Ichinose passionately described the hexagonal dinosaur, her cheeks flushed, and her emotions heightened. It's rare to see her like this.

"And there's also a lizard called a frilled lizard."

"You really like these strange creatures like the hexagonal dinosaur," I expressed my thoughts as I couldn't understand the appeal of amphibians and reptiles.

Ichinose pouted and retorted, "They're not strange creatures!"

"Don't you like snakes too?" She asked.

"Snakes? Why snakes?"

"Isn't the pocket watch you carry engraved with a snake?"

I suddenly realized. However, it's not an ordinary snake.

"That's not a snake; it's a Ouroboros, a creature from Greek mythology."

"Ouroboros?" Ichinose tilted her head in confusion.

After receiving the silver watch from the Grim Reaper, I looked up information about the Ouroboros. It represents a snake or dragon devouring its own tail, forming a circular shape. The watch had only one of them engraved, but during my research, I also saw depictions of two Ouroboros devouring each other.

The Ouroboros seems to symbolize immortality and eternity.

If that were the case, the Ouroboros watch would be exaggerating its abilities; at most, it could rewind time by 24 hours, and it would take 36 hours before it could be used again. Time would still pass for 12 hours. This watch couldn't really claim to symbolize eternity.

However, if it could truly make time reverse forever, most people would trade their lives for it. In that case, it would lose its meaning as a trade, and there would be nothing to be done about it.

I only mentioned the Ouroboros to Ichinose, but it seemed she wasn't interested.

By the way, every time I prevented Ichinose from committing suicide, I took her to play to buy time.

Assuming I prevented her suicide in the period of time when I rewound the clock by ten hours, I would have to wait another 26 hours to rewind time again.

What if she attempted suicide again within those 2 hours?

When the watch's power is restored, it would have been more than 24 hours since her suicide, and I wouldn't be able to go back to that moment.

I had to watch over her until that irretrievable time passed.

That's why I took her to play.

We took the train to a slightly distant station and then walked to the amusement park from there.

Upon reaching the entrance of the amusement park, Ichinose stopped in her tracks. I asked her what was wrong, and she replied, "I am at the amusement park on weekdays. Isn't that... weird?" It seemed she was afraid of being questioned by the police.

"Just act casual, and no one will bother you. Acting all nervous will only make people suspicious."

"Then, have you ever skipped school to come here and play?"

I gave an affirmative answer, and after entering the amusement park, Ichinose said in amazement, "So you were a delinquent back then?" and followed behind me.

I used to frequent amusement parks and movie theaters simply to pass the time. It didn't matter which one as long as I could focus on something for a short period.

In simple terms, it was an escape from reality.

I needed time to concentrate on something without facing reality. I skipped school and went to amusement parks or movie theaters in the early mornings to pass the time.

Like Ichinose, I had an estranged relationship with my parents and didn't have any pocket money. However, because they found me displeasing, they let me do as I pleased and provided me with food expenses. I gathered whatever money I could and used it to escape reality.

So, the days I could escape reality were special to me during my student years, and they were my only source of enjoyment. Thanks to the Ouroboros watch, I could go wherever I wanted. Although it wasn't qualified to bear the name of the Ouroboros, the watch did help me quite a bit.

The amusement park we visited was an old three-story building.

The first and second floors were filled with various machines, like claw machines, fighting games, and coin pushers. These two floors looked like a typical amusement park. However, the third floor was a combat training area, giving it a unique atmosphere. It was relatively empty during the daytime, which suited our needs perfectly.

"Do you want to play any games?" I asked.

"No."

I knew she would answer that way. It seemed that Ichinose wasn't much into games, and maybe she wouldn't enjoy taking photo booth pictures with me either. But since the places I knew were limited to this and the movie theater, I had to stick to the plan I had in mind.

"How about the claw machine? There might be something you want, and you can try to grab..."

"No."

An immediate answer. Let me at least finish what I have to say.

"You haven't even looked; there might be something you want."

"Even if there is, it will just be thrown away, so I don't need it."

"Thrown away? Why?"

Ichinose turned her head away and answered somewhat unwillingly, "My stepfather throws them away. He said that someone who skips school doesn't need such things and threw away all my stuffed animals and toys."

Her expression grew darker and darker.

It seems I messed up again. Although I knew she disliked her stepfather, I didn't expect it to be this severe. For someone who was a stranger until a few years ago to casually dispose of her belongings, I can understand that Ichinose must feel very unsettled.

"Then let's not play the claw machine; how about other games?"

Ichinose looked down, and I held her hand. I had initially planned to play the claw machine for two hours, but there was nothing I could do now.

I looked for games that Ichinose could enjoy as well.

The first game that caught my eye was a classic shooting game where you fend off zombies with guns. I chose the two-player mode for us.

"I'll watch you play," Ichinose distanced herself. I inserted two coins for the both of us and handed her one of the guns connected to the machine with a wire. I commanded her, "Help me kill them."

"Why did you give it to me? I've never played before..." Ichinose looked unsure as she observed the gun from various angles.

The game started on its own.

"Huh? Huh? What do I do?" She quickly raised the gun as she realized the game had begun.

"I'm also a first-timer, so I don't know what to do either. Let's learn as we play!" I suggested, which was as good as not suggesting anything. Honestly, I thought there would be an instruction screen at the beginning, but there wasn't, so I was also flustered.

The zombies were weak at first, and as first-time players, we could easily defeat them. As we gradually got the hang of the controls, the game progressed quite smoothly—for me, at least.

Until I got killed.

"Sorry, I died. You can do it!" I encouraged her.

"Hey, hey! I can't do this alone!"

With not enough hands to go around, the zombies came closer and closer.

After defeating the zombie on the left, she immediately aimed at the one on the right. However, the zombies were getting closer and closer.

Seeing Ichinose quickly pointing the gun towards a zombie, I couldn't help but laugh.

"Stop laughing and help me!"

She desperately pleaded for my assistance, but I realized I had run out of 100-yen coins to continue playing. I told her I needed to exchange for some change and stepped away momentarily. Unfortunately, as I was inserting the 1,000-yen bill into the coin exchange machine, I heard her scream, "Don't come near!" It was too late.

"It's all your fault for being too slow; that's why I died!"

When I returned after getting changed, she slapped me on the shoulder, clearly frustrated.

Then, I decided to play the dart game, which I had played several times before and had plenty of experience with.

It seemed Ichinose had never played, so I let her practice first.

She awkwardly threw the dart with a loud "Eh!" but, of course, it didn't hit the target; instead, it hit the wall and bounced in an artistic manner, hitting me directly in the head. I childishly exclaimed, "Ouch!" and Ichinose looked worriedly at me, asking, "Are you, are you alright?"

I couldn't help but worry, thinking to myself, "Why are we even talking about a competition when her dart-throwing skills are the real issue."

"Are you, are you alright?"

I couldn't help but worry, thinking to myself, "Why are we even talking about a competition when her dart-throwing skills are the real issue."

In the end, we chose the COUNT-UP game mode, a simple duel rule that even beginners can understand. The rules were straightforward – each player takes turns throwing three darts, and after eight rounds, the player with the highest score wins. It's just a matter of aiming for higher points and competing for the score.

If I were to use my true skills in the competition, she would definitely lose miserably. So, I intentionally aimed for the lower point areas. Although I have plenty of experience, I'm not perfect, and this provided an opportunity to practice my accuracy while having some fun.

Ichinose, on the other hand, aimed directly for the high-scoring areas on the target but kept hitting elsewhere no matter how many times she tried.

However, by sheer luck, she managed to hit a few triple rings, tripling her score and rapidly catching up to me.

In no time, she closed the gap, and at this rate, I would lose by a considerable margin.

I decided to use my true skills to catch up to Ichinose, but due to my impatience, my darts veered to the right, and they all seemed to be irresistibly drawn to the low-scoring areas on the dartboard. Meanwhile, Ichinose's dart-throwing style, which could be called beginner's luck, showed no signs of stopping.

As a result, when the game ended, my score still hadn't caught up to hers, and I suffered a complete and utter defeat. Losing in a normal game, accepting it gracefully, and feeling a bit frustrated are all normal reactions.

However, Ichinose raised her hands and cheerfully exclaimed, "Great!"

Perhaps she was genuinely happy; her emotions seemed more elevated than usual. Maybe this is her true personality. Seeing her so cheerful and excited, I suddenly felt that winning or losing didn't really matter at all.

However, when she began to boast and say, "Maybe I have a talent for dart-throwing. Did you aim properly before shooting?" I couldn't help but retort, "Don't get too carried away." I didn't expect to feel so regretful about losing a game to someone.

"Well, I'm going to die soon anyway, so I might as well enjoy myself now."

Ichinose raised two fingers in a victory pose, proudly smiling. No matter how I looked at it, I was the one who suffered a crushing defeat.

I didn't have the energy to compete with her again, so I moved to the third floor, where there was a batting area.

I wasn't confident in my batting skills, but I wanted to use it as a way to release the frustration of losing the dart game.

I also invited Ichinose to play with me, but she seemed afraid of the flying balls and said she'd rather watch from behind.

I could feel her gaze behind me, and I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of a young girl. I felt an inexplicable pressure, gripping the bat tighter than usual.

I focused on hitting the incoming balls. Since it had been a while since I played, I was a bit worried, but luckily, I didn't miss the ball too many times, and I managed to make contact, which relieved me a bit. However, it was just a hit, and the ball didn't fly far enough to showcase my cool side.

"Are you sure you don't want to give it a try?" I asked Ichinose.

"The balls are too fast, I can't hit them... Ah! Maybe I can play that." Ichinose pointed to the baseball nine-square next to us.

That was a game where you threw balls to hit the number board from one to nine. Ichinose could indeed play it. I gave her 100-yen coins, and this time, I watched her play.

However, every ball she threw fell to the ground before hitting the board.

No matter how many times she threw, the ball rolled off before reaching the board. Every time, she looked embarrassed and turned to me for help, so I ended up taking over halfway and throwing the balls for her. By successfully hitting one of the number boards, I redeemed some of my reputation from losing at the batting game.

After that, we continued to find games Ichinose could play. We played two-player games like table hockey or racing, which felt refreshing. Ichinose seemed to genuinely enjoy it, and before I knew it, I was having fun too, even though I lost most of the games.

After playing for a while, I moved to the floor with coin pusher machines, as if escaping from competitive games.

I sat in front of one of the machines, inserting coins into the left and right slots to push the coins in the machine.

The coins that fell accumulated in the central tray, and I picked them up from there and inserted them back into the slots. I silently repeated the action of pushing coins. A few times, Ichinose wanted to pick up the coins but ended up grabbing my hand. Each time, she would retract her hand, showing an embarrassed smile. As the coins dwindled, time slipped away while we prayed for more coins to drop.

Using the remaining coins lasted longer than I expected, and by the time we ran out of coins, it was already evening. Staying any longer might lead to being questioned by the police, so we decided to call it a day and head home.

On our way to the station, I asked what Ichinose was looking at, and it turned out to be a pancake shop. The sign had a pop-art design with various items listed on it.

Since we hadn't eaten anything and had been playing for a long time, I felt drawn into the pancake shop. However, I rarely ate pancakes and didn't know which flavor to choose. I thought of asking Ichinose for her recommendation, but she turned around and asked me the same question.

While we were contemplating what to order, a group of stylishly dressed high school girls approached, and Ichinose hid behind me.

Those girls quickly decided what they wanted, ordering strawberry, blueberry, caramel, and pearl milk tea, each getting their favorite flavor.

In the end, we settled for a regular chocolate whipped cream pancake. It seemed rather fitting for us, who weren't accustomed to visiting such shops, compared to those high school girls.

As the high school girls or couples laughed and chatted outside the shop, Ichinose remained hidden behind me. I also felt uncomfortable and decided to eat while walking.

"What do you think was the most fun?" I asked Ichinose while munching on my pancake.

"Well... I had fun with all of them," she replied.

"Because you almost won every time."

She proudly retorted, "That's because you're just so bad."

"I'll definitely win next time, mark my words."

"That's impossible, because I'll be dead by then."

The pancake-stained girl intent on dying today was still in full swing.

"Unless I win against you, I won't let you die."

After I told her that her mouth was covered in whipped cream, she wiped it off and playfully said, "I don't want anyone stopping me from committing suicide for such a reason."

"Well, then what reason would be good?"

"None."

Ichinose mischievously laughed, her mouth still covered in whipped cream.

She really seemed like an ordinary girl in a place like this. I thought of it with a touch of regret.

"Be careful on your way home."

"I'll be absent-minded on my way home."

I threw the empty pancake wrapper into the trash, and that was the end of our day.

She seemed more cheerful and smiled more than usual today. How nice it would be if she could give up on suicide and show her smile like this every day.

After parting ways, I stopped by a nearby bookstore before going home. I purchased a guidebook related to leisure and entertainment. Where should I take her next time for her to be happy?

Thinking about the plan for our next meeting, I stayed up late reading the book.

____

This novel will only be updated on Saturday. Every Saturday, 1 whole chapter will be released.

(If you like this novel, please go to novelupdate and recommend it as well as leave a review to it.)

Previous Index Next

Read these too!