Volume 1: Chapter 3: After the Turbulent Emotions of the Gloomy Girl

My initial experience with self-harm occurred during my sophomore year of high school.

I had never been good at socializing since I was young, and I wasn't close to anyone in my class or involved in any extracurricular activities. Consequently, I had no friends at school with whom I could have intimate conversations.

Although I wasn't bullied, my classmates always kept their distance from me. This made it difficult for me to make friends, and I didn't even know how to go about forming friendships.

My memories of high school were just pure shades of gray.

Even though I didn't skip school, I couldn't find any meaning in continuing my education. I lived a life that was incredibly empty and dull, and I became bored with it.

However, compared to my family, which showed excessive attention that I didn't desire, school, where I didn't need to interact with anyone, was a little better.

For someone like me, the only support I had was through my connections on social media.

Ever since I casually created a Twitter account, I immersed myself in it like I had finally found a place to belong. During this time, I gradually gained more online friends.

While the relationships formed on Twitter were superficial and easily severed, I found solace in the fact that I could connect with others effortlessly.

Among them were people who shared the same worries as me. When conversing with them, I could openly expose my true self.

However, it was through this exposure on social media that I began engaging in self-harm.

One day, a female friend online posted a picture. It was a photo of her wrist after cutting—a few lines with blood seeping out.

When I saw this photo on my Twitter timeline, I was shocked. My initial thoughts were only about how painful it must be and what the meaning behind such behavior was.

Many people were worried about her and left comments under her post. I also joined in, sending her a message saying, "What happened? You can talk to me about it."

She seemed to be in the same grade as me, but she had been cutting her wrists since elementary school.

Cutting her wrist made her feel calm inside. Seeing the flowing blood temporarily relieved her feelings of "wanting to die"—she explained her reasons for self-harm to me.

I wasn't sure if what she said was true. I also vaguely understood that cutting one's wrist wasn't a good behavior.

Even so, at that time, I tried the behavior out of curiosity.

I pressed the razor blade against my wrist and hesitantly applied pressure.

At first, it didn't cause much pain, but after a while, my muscles inside started to ache. I might have applied the wrong amount of force, as a long stream of dark, murky blood flowed from the wound for quite some time.

By intentionally causing a wound on my wrist, I could, at any moment, feel "I am alive" as I sensed the literal pain through my skin. It was a rather simple method.

I also couldn't remember when I started murmuring, "One more time, one more time," as I cut my wrist.

But as the number of wounds on my wrist increased, along with the Band-Aids I used to hide them, my self-harm became exposed to those around me—including classmates I rarely communicated with, teachers, and even my father.

I was showered in my father's angry reproaches. Eventually, the trigger that led me to self-harm—the Twitter account—was deleted.

However, the addiction to self-harm that I once developed wasn't easy to quit. As an alternative to cutting, I began developing a bad habit of biting my fingernails. Yet, since my senior year, I haven't engaged in self-harm by cutting.

Even so, back then, I never imagined that one day I would regret my past in this way.

Due to the scars from self-harm, I wouldn't leave a good impression when meeting someone new. Therefore, I started hiding my wrists, always wearing long-sleeved clothes.

As a result, Shinsuke still doesn't know about the scars from self-harm.

From where did Kujou Chitose see the scars on my wrist? At this point, it doesn't really matter anymore. Perhaps it happened when we were taking a shower together.

Has she already told Shinsuke about it? If so, how should I face him in the future?

Kujou-senpai told me that Shinsuke is trying to avoid getting involved with the Gloomy Girls.

It wasn't a joke, nor was it a lie—it was an indisputable fact. Otherwise, she wouldn't have specifically communicated this to me.

Shinsuke must have realized that I was a Gloomy Girl from the day we first met.

How does he truly view me, a bothersome, unpleasant, and helpless person? What is he thinking while talking to me?

Just the thought of me, who can't do anything and is detested by others, hiding my true self and trying to connect with Shinsuke, makes my heart feel as if it's being crushed, and my breathing becomes erratic.

For Shinsuke, my existence is not only an obstacle but also unnecessary.

What should I do to avoid being disliked by Shinsuke?

What should I do to settle my past?

Matters of the heart are not easily resolved. The gloomy temperament that has seeped into my character cannot be wiped away simply by changing my mood.

In that case, I must find a way to eliminate the two characteristics that Shinsuke wants to avoid.

If it's just about dressing, I can certainly change my style immediately.

However, no matter how I change my appearance, the countless scars on my wrists will not disappear. They will remain in my life, pale and thin.

Though the pain of the past had long vanished, my inner wrist now hurts.

If this continues, Shinsuke will truly dislike me.

I need to change the situation... I need to change myself as I am now.

In order to prevent my heart from further turmoil, I bit down on my thumbnail with force as if I were trying to dig it out.

☆

"That guy... Why didn't she come to my room today?"

The clock's hands had already passed 10:00 p.m.

I, Aigaki Shinsuke, finished my work and immediately prepared to leave for home, looking back on my day.

Every morning, Kotosaka Shizune, a gloomy Girl, would specially prepare a bento for me and deliver it to my apartment. However, she didn't show up this morning, and there was no contact from her, which was quite unexpected.

Her daily routine of preparing meals for a simple friend she had no real connection with had always puzzled me since the beginning. So, initially, it wasn't something that made me feel pessimistic.

However, when a Gloomy Girl like Shizune suddenly takes actions different from her usual behavior, it feels like there must be a reason—maybe something significant happened.

I thought she might appear at the convenience store in a customer capacity like she did yesterday when I was working. But until my shift ended, she didn't show up.

Her unusual behavior made me, someone who usually minds my own business, worried about her.

Not just in the morning, even during dinner time—on days when I worked until almost 10 p.m.—she would prepare food and bring it to my apartment.

Maybe she's waiting for me at the entrance of the apartment building.

As my thoughts grew increasingly confused, I quickened my pace while walking.

"She's not here...?"

However, I still didn't see Shizune's figure at the apartment entrance.

Should I send her a message to check on her condition?

Arriving at home a few minutes earlier than usual, I dragged my feet through the hallway and then entered the elevator.

"Today was really tiring..."

After returning to my room, I laid down on the bed, gazing at the ceiling.

"Why do I care so much about Shizune's actions...?"

It was just one day without seeing her, yet it surprised me how much mental stress it caused.

Her presence had gradually seeped into my daily life.

She was someone I considered as someone to keep a distance from—an introverted Gloomy Girl with emotional scars. Why am I so concerned about her? Even I find it very strange.

After lying on the bed for a while, I got up and moved to stand in front of the refrigerator, searching for something inside the freezer.

"Dinner... I'll just have frozen food."

I couldn't muster the energy to cook now.

Deciding to have a simple meal tonight, I reached for a frozen instant noodle and squinted to read the microwave heating time on the packaging.

*Ding-dong.*

A cheerful sound echoed in the room, snapping me back to reality.

I put the frozen noodles back in the kitchen and turned my gaze towards the display screen of the intercom.

"...Good evening."

On the screen was Shizune's face.

I let out a sigh of relief and placed my hand on my chest.

"Oh... You came today too?"

I pretended to be nonchalant and replied in my usual tone.

"...Can I come in?"

"Sure. Let me unlock the door for you."

After saying that, I hung up the intercom call and quickly unlocked the front door.

About a minute later, I heard a knocking sound, and the door slowly opened.

"...Hello."

"...Uh, you're Shizune... right?"

As I greeted Shizune at the entrance, I found myself doubting what I saw.

Shizune usually liked to dress in a style associated with the Gloomy Girls. However, today, her clothes were almost devoid of such decorations.

With a cap pulled down and a slightly oversized hoodie, dark blue jeans, low-cut sneakers, and an ordinary backpack. Although her hair was still tied in a half ponytail like usual, Shizune's outfit was completely different from her usual style, and it made it difficult for me to hide my confusion.

"Is it strange...?"

"No, it's not strange... It's, well, quite fitting..."

"Is that so... Well, that's good, then."

As if being liberated from nervousness, Shizune's expression softened.

"...By the way, I'm returning this to you. Thanks for yesterday. It's already been washed."

"Ah, thanks."

She took out the set of sportswear and T-shirt that I lent her yesterday from her backpack and handed them to me.

I looked at the clothes I received and pondered for a few seconds.

'I didn't lie when I said it fits.'

Although she had left a strong impression of being in the Gloomy style, making me feel somewhat uncomfortable, if asked whether the clothes she was wearing now didn't suit her, that wasn't the case.

If I met Shizune in her current state in this type of clothes, I probably wouldn't feel any discomfort, but rather, I would think it was the perfect fit.

Shizune's appearance could be described as naturally suited for her. Even in simple sportswear or a hoodie, she still looked perfect. The same applied to her current street-style outfit.

But the fact that she was wearing this was what made it so strange. It was abnormal for Shizune not to wear her usual Gloomy style.

I raised my eyes, as if wanting to engrave her appearance in them, and once again confirmed Shizune's appearance from head to toe.

During this time, for a moment, Shizune's appearance seemed to overlap with that of Kujou Chitose.

The clothing she wore was very similar to Chitose's style on the system—in the way she dressed.

Did her fashion preferences change? In just one day...?

Confronted with this real-world bug-like situation, my mind was on the verge of panic.

"I told you... the bags you guys are carrying are really heavy! I can't get in like this!"

As if more bugs were happening, another unexpected visitor appeared at the edge of my vision.

"Why are you here!?"

"Ouch! Don't suddenly yell like that, you scared me!"

"Because you suddenly appeared!"

"But I've been here since the beginning... Didn't you notice?"

He was hiding in the shadow of the door, so I didn't notice him at all. Normally, I should have noticed him earlier. I guess I put too much focus on Shizune.

"Darn, Shinsuke, you're so heartless."

He complained and walked forward, allowing Shizune to enter the hallway. Then he walked in as well, took off his shoes, and walked deeper into the room on his own.

Yagiyu Hirofumi—my male friend at university whom I interacted with the most—his appearance made my mind even more confused than before.

"Anyway, Shizune, come in too."

Shizune nodded, took off her sports shoes, and walked into the room. I caught up with Hirofumi, who had entered the living room, and grabbed his shoulder.

"Hirofumi, what's going on..."

"No need to ask too much. I already know what you want to ask."

Hirofumi answered in a villainous tone, placing a plastic bag on the low table with a loud thud. Then he put his arms around in front of me and Shizune.

"You want to know what's in this bag, right!?"

"Not really."

Then I said something unexpected.

"Taking such a big luggage in, normally you would be very concerned, right!?"

"I'm overly concerned about things other than this, so I'm not really concerned about this."

"Even though it's a rare occasion, Shizune and I prepared a surprise for you!"

"A surprise? Between you and Shizune...?"

I turned my gaze to Shizune, and she shook her head silently, denying it.

"Not a surprise, it's dinner for tonight."

"It's on me!"

It turned out that Hirofumi and Shizune went to the supermarket today to buy ingredients.

"The vegetables were a bit expensive, so we didn't buy them, but your grandfather from the countryside doesn't send you fresh ones every month, so there should still be some left, right?"

"That's true... But what are you planning to cook now?"

"We're three people gathered, so other than hot pot, what else can we have!"

The sound of the chopping board and the knife clashing together filled the air.

"Explain everything to me clearly."

I hurriedly approached Hirofumi, who was sitting on the bed like a chair, and asked him in a voice that Shizune in the kitchen couldn't hear.

"I asked you before too, what happened that made you and Shizune stay together? You two aren't friendly enough to spend time together after class, right?"

I had been with Hirofumi until the end of the third class.

So Hirofumi and Shizune must have met up after we parted ways. Before that, I hadn't heard from Shizune that they met.

"Oh? What's wrong, Shinsuke? Worried that your girlfriend was taken away by your friends?"

"Don't change the subject. Shizune is not my girlfriend."

"Just friends then? I get it."

Hirofumi swung his arms up and down, laughing heartily.

"After we parted ways, I was alone walking towards the classroom, but at that time, Shizune called me and asked, 'Can you accompany me to do shopping?'"

"Shizune called you...? So, you went shopping together then?"

"We went after the fifth class. Isn't Shizune wearing a different outfit from usual? That's what she bought then."

So, she changed her style because Hirofumi went along with her. One question was resolved. However, I still didn't understand the premise for her to do this.

"So why did Shizune invite you to go shopping instead of inviting me...?"

"I understand how you feel, but just by hearing that line, you come off as an overly self-conscious guy," Hirofumi's face twitched, and he continued, "Well, don't worry. Even though I was the one invited, it seems like she's thinking about you."

"Thinking about me?"

"She seemed to want me to tell her what clothes match your taste. So, that's why she came to ask me, the one who usually spends time with you, right?"

"This has already gone beyond envy and reached the level of hatred." Hirofumi said, patting my shoulder, appearing both annoyed and joking.

"By the way, I heard quite a lot from her during the shopping."

"...What did you hear?"

"Shizune-chan doing dad chores and you were the one taking care of Shizune-chan like that."

"Dad chores... How much did you hear exactly?"

"Basically, it's like pretending to be a JK (high school girl) and going on dates with an older guy. She told me everything, including how the 'Kotone' account is actually Shizune herself."

I hadn't told Chitose or Hirofumi about her JK activities, so why did she spill everything herself...

"But to be honest, I never expected the encounter between you and Shizune to be so dramatic."

"What exactly did you hear..."

"You stopped Shizune from doing JK activities and told her not to do such things anymore. In return, since she had nowhere else to go, you took care of her. Is that right?"

"Basically, yes, but you're exaggerating..."

I didn't say anything cool like that.

"Ah, I always thought you were good at taking care of people, but I never expected you to be such a manly boy with feelings. I'm impressed. If I were a girl, I'd fall for you."

"Well, thanks, I guess."

Hirofumi held my shoulder tightly and laughed heartily. However, contrary to his smile, the pressure on my shoulder also increased little by little.

"But the one thing I'll never forgive you for inviting Kujou senpai into this room!"

"It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts..."

I faced Hirofumi's grudge.

It seemed that Shizune had told Hirofumi everything that had happened since we met.

"Oh! This looks so delicious!"

Hirofumi picked up a piece of pork loin with his chopsticks, put it in his mouth, and then scooped a mouthful of white rice, showing a satisfied expression.

In the center of the low table, where Shizune, Hirofumi, and I were sitting around, the hot pot was bubbling. The pot was filled with pork loin, carrots, potatoes, cabbage, mushrooms, and various other ingredients. Next to the hot pot were small bowls of frozen rice, enough for the three of us.

The fragrance of yuzu soy sauce wafted through the air. Starving after work, I greeted everyone with "Let's eat," and at the same time, I put my chopsticks into the hot pot.

"This meat is so delicious..."

"Of course, it's because I splurged on buying good meat!"

"So rare. Did you lose at mahjong to Kujou-san?"

"..."

"Sorry. I guess you went all in and lost, huh?"

Just by looking at Hirofumi drooping his shoulders so obviously, I didn't even need to hear the answer to know how it turned out.

"Well, forget about that. I want to return the favor to Shinsuke, who usually takes good care of me, so I just spent a little more money."

"You bought expensive meat just to show off in front of Shizune, didn't you?"

"Uh... Cough, cough! How, how could that be! How could there be such a thing!"

I can be sure now.

"By the way, Shizune, where did you and Hirofumi go shopping?"

"Not too far. Just a few stations away at the shopping center."

"Is it the one directly connected to the station?"

Shizune nodded quietly and continued eating.

While Shizune is usually mature and reserved, she was even quieter today.

With her clothes not the usual eccentric style I was accustomed to, she seemed like a different person.

"Oh, right, I almost forgot!"

Hirofumi suddenly stood up, hurriedly went to the kitchen, and searched in the refrigerator.

"It's this. Of course, hot pot must be paired with canned beer!"

"Yesterday's Chitose was the same. It's really something that you use someone else's refrigerator without permission..."

"Don't mention Kujou-senpai again! Or I'll really dislocate your shoulder!"

Judging by the jealousy he showed earlier, he might actually do it.

"Drinking is fine, but don't get so drunk that you start vomiting."

"Who do you think I am? What idiot would drink until they throw up in a friend's room?"

Your beloved Chitose is just that kind of idiot.

"Would you like a drink too, Shizune? I have some canned alcohol and it's still cold."

"...I'll have some."

Upon hearing Hirofumi's offer, Shizune nodded and took the Strong series alcoholic drink and a straw. She opened the can with the ring pull and took a sip through the straw.

"Has Shizune's birthday already passed?"

"It was in early April, and I turned twenty."

"I see."

For second-year students, they would have turned twenty at the end of June, and many students were looking forward to their birthday because it meant they would be allowed to drink and smoke legally.

I realized that I still didn't know much about Shizune...

Although it hadn't been long since Shizune and I became friends, I felt a bit lonely.

"Do we need to wake him up?"

"No, don't worry. He looks really tired."

Hirofumi was lying on the floor, comfortably snoring in his sleep.

"Haowen comes to school from a faraway place, right? If he goes to sleep at this time, I think he might miss the last train."

"I think he's planning to stay over tonight, so you don't need to worry about it."

Although recently he hasn't been coming to my room as often, he used to stay over quite frequently before, treating this room like a free hotel.

He may have fallen asleep earlier than usual, but it was only natural. He had come to school early in the morning, attended classes from the second to the fifth period, then went out with Shizune, and now this.

After satisfying his appetite in such a tired state, even drinking alcohol, he must have felt the urge to sleep rapidly.

"Did Shizune come here by bicycle today?"

"No, I took the train."

"So that means you'll have to leave in about thirty minutes. If you want to stay overnight, it's fine with me, though."

"I can't stay overnight... My family is very strict, and it would be troublesome."

"Troublesome for me?"

"Yes."

"I don't think so."

In the past, even if it was troublesome, I wouldn't have particularly minded. But after so many times of her coming to my room, I didn't feel it would be any trouble to let her stay overnight.

However, I didn't want to force Shizune to stay either. Since she said she "couldn't stay overnight," I had no intention of trying to persuade her. I didn't say anything more.

"Then, before Shizune goes home, let me practice a little."

I glanced at the clock, stood up from the floor, and sat on the chair in front of the desk. I turned on the computer and opened the drawing software. Shizune approached me.

"What kind of illustration are you practicing today?"

"I'm planning to practice drawing full-body character illustrations."

Although I've drawn character illustrations many times, I usually only draw them from the thighs up or in certain poses. I rarely practice drawing full-body illustrations from various angles.

Using professional female character illustrations as a reference, I displayed one on the screen to the right. To determine the composition, I roughly sketched it out. Then, on a new layer on top of the sketch, I started drawing the body's draft.

"If you do it like this, the curves in the lower half of the body look a bit unnatural. Pay a little more attention to the sense of volume."

Shizune pointed at the screen like she was peering into it, giving me clear feedback.

Her way of teaching was still excellent. I followed her advice and, surprisingly, improved the sense of discomfort in a short amount of time.

This was the usual meaningful illustration practice session we had after dinner. However, there was one thing that made me feel a slightly different atmosphere from usual, almost physically.

"Hey, Shizune..."

"...What's wrong?"

"No... It's nothing."

Although I wanted to ask, I suddenly changed my mind and closed my mouth.

Shizune moved to my back and was still explaining the parts that needed fixing. But today, her body suddenly pressed against mine, disrupting my focus.

Though it probably wasn't intentional, being so close still made me quite conscious, even affecting my focus on the illustration.

"...Shinsuke, are you listening?"

"Ah, no... Uh... Yes."

"It seems you weren't paying attention."

"I... apologize... Could you please repeat that?"

"So, if you only refer to 2D illustrations, it's not easy to capture the three-dimensional feeling in your drawing. The characters you draw have relatively tall heads, so I think it's better to draw while looking at real human bodies. By understanding the structure of the human body through real references, your drawings will become more three-dimensional and appealing."

"You mean a real human body...? You mean, without clothes on? Are you suggesting I refer to gravure idols or something like that? Or maybe nude models...?"

"Instead of those people, you have a good candidate right here."

"A good candidate...?"

Shizune distanced herself from my body. I rotated the chair about a quarter turn.

Then, she stared directly into my eyes.

"That candidate is me... You can use me as a model."

She placed her hand on her chest and made the proposal.

"Use Shizune as a model... You mean to refer to you without clothes on? I can't possibly use you as a model."

"I don't mind."

Shizune's expression remained unchanged as she abruptly and matter-of-factly took off her oversized hoodie, leaving her upper body only in her bra.

White socks, navy blue jeans, and a black bra.

Even if I confirmed her current appearance from the bottom up, I still couldn't understand what was happening. My mind was just in a state of chaos.

"Q-Quickly, put your hoodie back on!"

"Don't you want to see my body?"

"It's not about wanting to see it or not, just put your clothes back on! Hirofumi is still in this room!"

"He's probably sleeping so deeply he won't wake up."

"That's not the point!"

"I want to help Shinsuke. If it's for you, it's not a problem to just take off my clothes."

"I have no intention of using you as a model, so there's no need for you to take your clothes off!"

"Can't my body be used as a model? Although my breasts may not be big, I think they have a nice shape...?"

Shizune looked down at her moderately-sized breasts and gently touched them over her bra.

Although her face was slightly flushed, I honestly didn't know if it was due to the canned alcohol she had just drunk or the embarrassment of taking off her clothes.

But even so, there was one thing I could assert.

The current Shizune was obviously not in her normal state.

"I-I'll get you a cold drink! You seem to be really drunk!"

I pretended to stay calm, stood up from the chair, and walked towards the kitchen.

"Why are you running away?"

However, Shizune moved as if to intercept me and appeared before me.

"I'm not trying to run away..."

I tried to shift my gaze away from her upper body and looked at the wall in the distance. However, she gradually approached me, entering the corner of my vision. I moved backward.

What's going on with Shizune today...?

She was doing things one after another that she would never do normally.

As our distance decreased, I felt a cold sweat forming on my forehead.

Unknowingly, I was forced to the edge of the bed placed against the wall, and I fell back onto the bed, losing my balance.

Shizune stood in front of me, bowing her head as if suppressing the emotions surging up within her.

"If it's for you, Shinsuke, I'll do anything... I can give up doing daddy chores, I can take off my clothes, even if it's making love... I'll do whatever you want. Because I love you..."

"You... didn't you say you wouldn't have sex with anyone other than the person you like...? How could you easily allow something like this just just to be needed by me,—"

"—I won't allow it!"

Shizune's pent-up emotions burst forth, overshadowing my words.

"...Because I like Shinsuke...! Even if it's sex, it's fine doing with you..."

Her voice, which was initially forceful, started trembling in the middle, and her tone gradually weakened, disappearing.

"...Even if it's for venting your sexual desires, I don't mind... Whatever form it takes, I want to help you... I love you that much..."

She struggled to hold back her tears and, as if trying to force out her words, slowly and hesitantly revealed her true feelings.

I had sensed it for a long time; Shizune had feelings for me.

However, despite this, I believe that fundamentally it wasn't genuine affection towards me, but merely an illusion of developing a dependent attachment to me, which isn't the same as having romantic feelings.

So, is it really that she genuinely has feelings for me, or is it just an illusion born from not wanting to let go of the relationship with her dependency object—this answer can't be immediately determined now.

Regardless of which side it is, it's clear that Shizune's current state isn't a positive one.

Though I'm unsure of what triggered it, one thing is certain - Shizune wanted to be needed by me, and this thought disturbed her inner peace, leading her to act out recklessly.

"Is it because you dislike me that you're avoiding me now? Shinsuke, do you dislike me...?"

"I don't dislike you. If I did, I wouldn't have let you into my room in the first place."

In an attempt to calm Shizune down, I said this.

"No, that's not it. You let me into your room because you are kind, right?"

"Such a thing..."

"In that case, even if you saw 'this'... even if you saw the self-harm scars you detest the most, would you still say 'you don't dislike me' to me?"

Shizune extended her left wrist in front of my eyes.

On her wrist were numerous self-inflicted cuts.

From the reddened appearance of the scars, it could be inferred that she had been self-harming for quite some time. There didn't seem to be any recent cuts.

However, despite the pain having faded away and them not being immediately noticeable, the scars on Silence's fair skin stood as faint reminders of her past vulnerability.

"...Your unease, you couldn't hide it."

Even though I immediately suppressed my emotions upon seeing the scars on her wrist, my eyes still involuntarily reacted. And she even had an excessive reaction to such a minor movement.

"I-I am..."

My thoughts became muddled, unable to find the right words to say.

My whole body stiffened, my breathing irregular.

By now, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Shizune had experience with self-harm. Maybe... I had anticipated something like this would happen sooner or later.

Perhaps one day, I'll know about the scars she carries - even though I had prepared myself mentally, I still couldn't remain calm when directly confronted with her scars.

"A woman with self-harm scars like this... a person like me can't be a model."

Shizune murmured, as if trying to convince herself.

"You dislike women like me, right? You wouldn't want to have anything to do with a woman who has cut her wrists...? Actually, you want to avoid me, don't you? You've always hated me...?"

"You must really dislike women with issues, right? You wouldn't want to have any connection with a girl who's cut her wrists, would you? Actually, you're trying to avoid me, aren't you? You've always disliked me, right...?"

With every word she uttered, her tone grew more heated.

"Being a burden... someone like me isn't needed, right...!?"

She poured out all the pain buried within her.

"...I really wish I could've met you sooner."

Shizune crouched down, hugging her knees, and lowered her head.

If our encounter had happened even earlier—in a time when Shizune was more stable—I might have been able to support her back then.

"Why is my personality like this...? Why is my inner self so fragile?"

Unable to contain her strong emotions, Shizune sobbed, her shoulders shaking.

As if trying to stem the flow of blood from her wrist, she gripped her left wrist tightly with her right hand.

Even if it seems irresponsible, I want to save Shizune, who's on the brink of collapsing at any moment. As if drawn in, my arm reached out to her shoulder.

"Enough, don't force yourself to be gentle with me anymore...!"

This was the first time I had received a rejection from Shizune.

She pushed away my outstretched hand, locked her gaze onto my expression for a few seconds, then looked down at the ground again as if trying to escape reality.

"...It's because you're so kind that you accepted me, isn't it? But deep down, you must really dislike me, right?"

"I've never even thought about something like that..."

"Stop lying. Sweet lies hurt more than ordinary lies. Don't say it anymore... Just tell me your true feelings."

My real feelings towards Shizune.

Indeed, I had been avoiding her.

However, I unwarrantedly overlapped her with a former girlfriend of mine, and I felt that I couldn't just leave her alone and let her into the room. Unbelievably, I had slowly started to accept her presence.

Just like today, I felt flustered when she suddenly didn't visit my room. It indicated that over the past half month since we met, Shizune had become a natural part of my daily life.

But even so, just like the scars on her wrists, the emotions I once held wouldn't disappear.

To say that I disliked Shizune—although it hadn't reached that point yet—it was an unchanging fact that there was a period when I feared her. To label that time as insincere would also be a lie.

"You're staying silent... which means I'm not wrong, right?"

"N-No, it's not...! I've never disliked you..."

Truthfully confessing to the now emotionally stirred Shizunewas like adding fuel to the fire.

How do I truly feel about her that led her into my room?

Just like doing charity work, or as if I found an abandoned cat, I, driven by a selfish and reckless motive, laughably told myself that I couldn't leave Shizunealone and ended up building a relationship with her.

I spent my days with Shizune, pretending to be gentle and caring, but in the end, I pushed her to her limit.

"If you treat me kindly again, I won't be able to come back. So, it's enough..."

No matter how beautifully I put it, I can no longer keep her with me.

Tears washed away Shizune's makeup, and her expression twisted even further.

I am not kind at all.

In the end, it was all for my own satisfaction that I got involved with Shizune.

"Shinsuke, I'm sorry... really sorry..."

Shizune's apology pierces a corner of my heart.

She slowly stood up, put on her clothes, and after tidying up her few belongings, she walked toward the corridor.

"...I should probably go back now. Today... until now, I've caused you a lot of trouble."

Shizune briefly turned her head at the door, forcing a smile with wet cheeks.

I stood up and reached out to her, but she pretended not to see, leaving the room.

I looked up at the clock hanging on the wall, and the last train's departure time had long passed.

Right now, maybe I can still keep Shizune from leaving. However, when I think of the expression she showed when she left, I hesitate and don't know if I should really go after her.

"Hu... Hu..."

The living room, which was noisy just a few minutes ago, now could barely be heard with Hirofumi's snoring.

This scene is reminiscent of the time before I met Shizune, making me feel nostalgic.

But without her in the living room, I feel an immense sense of regret, and it seems incredibly gloomy.

☆

Forget washing the dishes, I didn't even take a shower and went to bed. When Hirofumi woke me up, the clock's hour hand already pointed to 11 o'clock the next day.

As soon as I woke up, Hirofumi asked me, "When did Shizuru-chan go home?" But now, I don't want to touch on that topic, so I just use a clumsy smile to gloss over it.

If it were the old Shizune, even if she took the last train home, she would call me on the intercom the next day, bringing lunch. However, today, there's no sign of that.

Maybe she'll show up again soon. I hold on to this shallow hope, but it seems that it won't be fulfilled.

After a while, Hirofumi also left the apartment. I'm left alone in the room.

Today is Saturday. There's no university class, and I don't have any part-time work scheduled.

Normally, I would quickly finish the housework and then spend the rest of my time practicing drawing illustrations. However, today, I just can't find the motivation to do it.

Even if I hold the pen and stare at the LCD screen, my hand won't move at all.

In this state, I can't practice at all. I decide to doodle aimlessly in my sketchbook, just like scribbling in the margins of my notebooks during class, drawing whatever comes to mind.

Holding the pencil, I lightly poke the edge of the sketchbook with the pencil lead.

The first thing that comes to my mind is Shizune's face.

With her image in my mind, I start doodling, but this time, the lines are smoother than before. At some point, it turns into an illustration I draw seriously.

As the illustration gets closer to completion, my worries about Shizune grow stronger.

Where is she right now, and what is she doing?

Even though it's only been a few hours since we parted ways, I'm overly concerned about Shizune's well-being.

"...I can't show this kind of thing to Shizune."

I look at the finished illustration and speak.

Suddenly, I look out the window. The sky looks as if it's been painted over with a shade of light blue-black.

In the end, even though the last train has passed, Shizunedidn't visit the apartment that day.

☆

Sunday. Shizune didn't show up in front of me today either.

Although I feel so heavy-hearted that I don't even want to leave home, today is a workday.

Before leaving the apartment, I sent Shizune a message on my phone asking, "Where are you now?" After that, I head to the convenience store.

"Oh, Shinsuke, you're late today."

"Only by two minutes."

After entering the office, Chitose greets me with a wave. I bow my head and punch my card before changing into my work uniform.

"We should get going soon."

After preparing to start working at the cash register, Chitose says goodbye to me and puts his hand on the door.

"...Hmm."

Chitose stared straight into my eyes, then suddenly let go of her hands.

"...? What's the matter?"

"Nothing... It's just me."

She approached me, clasping my face with her hands.

"Hehe! What a strange face you have."

"This is because..."

"Can't help but fall in love with me, huh."

"This is because you're holding my face!"

I brushed off Chitose's hands, correcting her with a shout.

"Oh well, I was kind of looking forward to it."

"How is that even possible? By the way, what's with the timing? I'm about to start work."

"Because? You don't seem very energetic, Shinsuke."

She tilted her head and observed my expression.

Truly childhood friends, I couldn't help but admire her.

"Today, the deliveries seem to be light. Let's finish our work quickly. Later, I'll listen to your troubles."

Chitose turned around and walked ahead.

"...I'm really sorry for everything."

"It's okay. After all, I'm your older sister."

Though she usually acts frivolous, today's Chitose felt somewhat serious. Her figure looked very reliable.

As the night grew later, the number of customers decreased gradually.

During the weekdays, not many customers returned from work or school, especially during the evening hours. Perhaps many people needed rest and relaxation before starting the workweek, so the store was less busy than usual.

"So, what happened?"

After finishing most of our duties, Chitose and I stood next to each other at the cash register and chatted while I refilled the cigarette display.

"Shizune didn't come to the apartment anymore."

I told Chitose about the current situation without beating around the bush. She casually responded with a half-hearted "hey" while unwrapping the cardboard packaging.

"So, when did this start?"

"Late Friday night... no, it wasn't long after the new day began."

"That hasn't been long at all."

From the perspective of an outsider, it hadn't been a very long time, and there was no need to be overly concerned. However, Shizune's situation was different.

Since the day we became friends, she had visited my room without fail every morning and evening, but suddenly she disappeared.

The last time I saw her, she was emotionally unstable. Since then, she hasn't contacted me once.

"When you last saw Shizune, was there anything that caught your attention?"

"She said quite a few things. 'You hate me, right?', 'You don't want anything to do with a depressive girl like me,' 'You don't need me,' and so on."

I recalled the words Shizunehad said and conveyed them to Chitose. After hearing my words, she nodded lightly as if she had already understood the severity of the situation.

"Friday's Shizune was different from before. She didn't come to my room in the morning, came later than usual in the evening, and during a time I wasn't aware of, she was with Hirofumi... and most importantly, her outfit was different."

"Her outfit?"

"She and Hirofumi went shopping for clothes while I was at work. But instead of her usual 'landmine' style, she dressed similarly to your personal style. She was wearing those clothes when she came to my room."

"It seems she's quite troubled and putting in a lot of effort."

"Putting in effort...?"

"For Shizune to give up what she likes, the 'landmine' style, isn't something she can easily do. It shows her strong determination."

The 'landmine' style was something Shizune liked.

So, she decided to change herself for my sake.

But wait a minute? How did Shizune even know about the 'landmine' style, my aversion to it, and the psychological trauma related to depressive girls?

"Hey, Shinsuke."

"...?"

Chitose interrupted her work, calling me with a serious tone.

My gaze lifted, meeting her eyes.

"What kind of person do you want Shizune to become?"

Although I've chatted with Chitose many times, I might be seeing her so serious for the first time. Her gaze and tone made me shiver.

"What do you mean...?"

"Just worried about that girl. So, what are your plans?"

"Of course... the same as before..."

"The same as before, treating her as an ordinary friend, having her help with housework... Does that lead to her redemption? Is that what Shinsuke wants? How long are you going to let this continue?"

If I were to provide Shizune a temporary shelter, that might be relatively simple.

But at best, it would only be a "temporary" solution, just a stopgap measure.

Accepting her only as a regular friend also had its limits.

Having said that, I still sympathized with Shizune, reaching out to her in a haphazard manner. It was incredibly selfish, and it could even be called hypocritical.

"Incomplete gentleness is also irresponsible."

There's no other way to describe it.

"If you treat people with kindness, they will be grateful. But pouring out kindness also has its limits. Once you cross that line, it becomes something cruel. Unless you can stay with the other person until the end."

When you stop pouring out kindness halfway, the other person loses their emotional support.

And the one who continues to pour out kindness will feel guilty and become increasingly troubled.

"Continuing to be involved with that girl... maybe it's better not to."

Chitose said clearly.

Though it might sound a bit cold, it wasn't said out of malice. It was her genuine concern for me that made her speak so decisively.

"What are you asking of Shizune, or are you not asking for anything at all... I still don't know why you care so much about Shizune, a depressed girl."

Because of past experiences and psychological trauma, I had always avoided getting involved with such girls. Why could I naturally interact with her like this? Even I didn't know.

"Shizune is now completely dependent on you. She's clinging to you as a lifeline, anyone can see that... Haven't you forgotten? In high school, you felt miserable because of getting involved with this kind of girl. If things continue like this, won't you end up repeating the same outcome?"

Chitose's words made a lot of sense.

In the process of constantly interacting with Shizune, what was I seeking? Why did I care so much about her, someone who dressed in the 'landmine' style and had self-harm scars?

If I continued living with Shizune as I did before, it would only lead to her suffering in the future.

And if Shizune fell into despair, I would be affected by her, resulting in a negative chain reaction.

For self-preservation, and most importantly, for her sake, it might be better to end this relationship.

I couldn't understand my own thoughts, and I couldn't even handle the current situation properly.

My mind was constantly spinning, seeking an answer that didn't seem to exist.

But even so, I couldn't figure it out right here and now.

After finishing work and returning to the apartment, I continued to worry alone.

☆

Monday. The morning came just like yesterday.

After finishing my part-time work last night, I still couldn't find Shizune, and she hadn't come to the apartment.

The messages I sent to her phone were neither replied to nor read.

From the time I woke up until I left my room, she didn't show up either. I weakly used the frozen food I had stocked up to have a haphazard breakfast and went to the university even earlier than usual.

Before she met me, Shizune used to come to the university early, trying to minimize the time spent at her home. She would stay active until late at night.

If I went for a morning walk on campus, I might find Shizune. With that in mind, I decided to tour the places she might go one by one.

Perhaps Shizune didn't want to see me, or maybe she no longer needed me. However, I wanted to confirm what she was doing now, regardless.

However, things couldn't progress that smoothly. When the time for the second class was about to begin, I still hadn't achieved any results. I reluctantly gave up and went to the classroom.

"Shinsuke, over here, over here!"

As soon as I entered the classroom, Hirofumi, who had taken two seats in the back row, waved to me on both sides, welcoming me grandly.

Many students' gazes focused on Hirofumi. I hesitated whether to pretend not to know him, but it seemed too late now. I reluctantly walked over to the seat next to him.

"What happened to you? Your face... it looks like you're in a hurry!"

"Uh, what...?"

"The look on your face! It's so urgent that anyone would think something happened to you!"

"I think you meant to say 'anxious.'"

Am I the type of person who shows everything on my face? Originally, I adjusted my mood to not make Hirofumi worry, but I didn't expect him to see through it so quickly...

"Were you with Shizune today?"

"...No."

"Which means there's a problem with your relationship with Shizune."

Hirofumi raised his foot and propped his chin on his fingertips.

"Tell me the details."

"But even if I discuss it with you, it won't change anything."

"Are you stupid? When it comes to disputes between men and women, you should consider the opinions of many people before reaching a reasonable conclusion!"

Though I don't remember being worried about disputes between men and women.

Even so, it was true that I wouldn't make any progress by worrying alone.

It's difficult to believe in my own thoughts now, and I can't just accept all of Chitose's suggestions.

Hirofumi was one of the few who knew about my relationship with Shizune, so talking to him might not be a bad idea.

Seeing the professor enter the classroom, I told Hirofumi we would talk during lunch break.

The second class passed while I still couldn't concentrate well. I doodled in the corner of my notebook, and time unknowingly came to an end.

After leaving the classroom, Hirofumi and I moved to the cafeteria and sat face-to-face at a four-person table.

Then, I told him everything that happened from Friday to today and all the worries I currently had.

"I see."

Hirofumi leaned back in his chair and frowned.

"In summary, you're worried about whether you should continue your relationship with Shizune... Is that right?"

"Yeah..."

"Do you want to maintain a relationship with Shizune-can?"

"I want to... I think."

"What do you mean 'think'? You're really indecisive."

"I don't fully understand my feelings myself."

"Mm... well, Shizune-chan is probably worried about the relationship with you, just like you are now."

Hirofumi crossed his arms, seemingly lost in thought.

"When we went shopping for clothes, I already mentioned it. It seems like she's quite worried about her relationship with you. Like 'Shinsuke doesn't like the landmine style clothes, so she wants to start by changing her appearance,' and also 'If she continues the relationship with Shinsuke like this, it might cause him pain'... things like that."

Hearing a part of the conversation between Shizune and Hirofumi that I wasn't present for, I once again realized that she had similar worries to mine.

"Yeah... it's not a problem that can be solved just by talking with you. What Shinsuke and Shizune-chan want to do... in the end, it's up to the two of you to decide."

"I guess so."

"But you can't even contact each other? Although I exchanged contact information with her, I thought I might get ignored... Have you tried calling her, not just messaging?"

"I called her twice, but she didn't answer..."

"Could it be that she blocked you?"

"That would really be a dead end..."

If I received a clear rejection like being blocked, I would have no choice but to let her go.

Seeing me take out my phone from my pocket, Hirofumi said, "Let me see." I opened LINE and showed him the chat with Shizune as he asked.

"Okay... Let's see? ... As far as I can see, you haven't been blocked."

"So does that mean she's ignoring my messages?"

Shizune didn't have any friends in university other than us. Therefore, it was challenging to contact her through a third party. Even if I wanted to have a proper conversation with her, if I couldn't reach her, there was nothing I could do.

Waiting patiently for her to sort out her feelings might be a solution. However, I didn't know how long it would take to break the current situation.

If it were Ethics class tomorrow, there was a high chance we would meet, but Shizune wouldn't want to talk directly. I felt a bit embarrassed to disregard her wishes.

After all, would Shizune attend the Ethics class?

To Shizune, university was just a means to spend less time at home. It was quite uncertain whether she would show up in the same class as me.

"Shizune... I hope she's okay."

"Are you her dad or what? If you protect her too much, she won't be able to stand on her own, you know? Shizune-chan is already twenty years old; you're overly concerned about her."

"But... what if she falls into self-destructive behavior..."

Shizune's actions when she's emotionally unstable were unpredictable.

The possibility of resuming her self-destructive activities or self-harm was quite high. In the worst case, she might do something irreparable.

"You're totally infatuated with Shizune-can. What happened to your 'no-girlfriend' policy?"

"I don't look at Shizune like that..."

"Oh, come on! You're just making excuses! Seriously, from my perspective, completely free from such worries, even seeing you now makes me feel jealous of your one-track mind for her!"

Hirofumi covered his ears with both hands and shook his head vigorously.

"...Seriously, you should admit it already, right? No matter what, you're just making excuses, thinking about this and that, and it all comes down to 'liking Shizune-chan!"

"You're way too love-focused..."

"If it was someone you weren't interested in from the start, you wouldn't be so troubled, would you?"

I could understand what Hirofumi was saying, but I couldn't accept it.

I don't have romantic feelings for Shizune.

If I did, I would have already accepted her when she approached me without her landmine style clothes. Besides, my heart would be... racing.

"Oh, right!"

Hirofumi suddenly clapped his hands and took out his phone.

"Did you come up with a brilliant plan?"

"Well, I can't say it's brilliant yet. But if we just want to confirm the situation... it might be possible by seeing if she's doing any 'dad' activities. Strange, right? Silence, Silence... Got it! You see, you have to pay attention to cute girls!"

Hirofumi held his phone up to my face.

Displayed on the screen was a Twitter account.

"Is this Shizune's account...?"

"The name and '@' have been changed, and all the previous tweets are gone, but this is definitely the account Shizune used for 'dad' activities."

The account Kotone, which was used for the "dad" activities, was re-registered under her real name Shizune.

The profile picture was no longer the image of Shizune with black hair and a sailor-style outfit, but a selfie of Shizune in her original appearance with white hair and a landmine-style outfit.

"Okay, take a look."

Hirofumi placed the phone on the table and handed it over to me to operate.

"No posts at all... huh?"

It seemed difficult to confirm Silence's situation from the tweets.

As of now, she wasn't following anyone either.

However, she had one follower.

I opened the list to view the detailed information of that account.

"Um... 'Tokyo Chuka University Outdoor Club - Yuton...?"

I felt like I had heard that name somewhere before, but I couldn't recall it at the moment.

There was something important tugging at the corners of my mind.

"Do you know this club, Hirofumi?"

"Hmm...? Ah, I know, I know. Yuton, isn't that the famous drinking club at Chuka University? It's even led by Senpai Hoshimiya, who's in their third year."

"Hoshimiya...?"

"That person, she got fourth place in the beauty contest last year!"

"No, I completely don't know her. Who is she? Wait a minute..."

Hoshimiya, third year, fourth place in the beauty contest, representative of a drinking club – these pieces of information kept resurfacing in my mind, and I desperately searched my memory.

"..."

Afterward, I broke out in a cold sweat.

"Oh, hey... what's wrong with you?"

"No, there's nothing... it should be nothing..."

A detestable premonition, which I didn't want to imagine, rushed through my body.

I touched the screen with trembling fingertips and checked the likes for that tweet.

"Shi... zune...?"

I couldn't help but doubt my own eyes.

Among the few accounts shown in the screen, Shizune's name was also included.

In other words, Shizune expressed her intention to attend the Yuton drinking club's gathering.

"Did Shizune-chan go to the drinking club's event? Well, that's not too bad! It seems she won't go back to her dad's activities, so you can relax for now, right?"

"This is not good at all! And I can't relax!"

I shouted and denied his words.

Hirofumi was taken aback by my sudden reaction, and after looking at my unusual expression, he frowned and asked, "What's going on?"

"This club invited Chitose to their events several times. She told me that they greet girls one by one, get them drunk, and then forcibly take them away... It's what they call a 'cannon club.'"

Seemingly understanding the seriousness of the situation, Hirofumi mumbled, "Really? Is that true?"

Did Shizune attend the drinking club's gathering knowing that it was such a situation? Or did she decide to go without knowing anything about it?

I picked up my phone from the table and opened Twitter.

"Shinsuke...? Are you planning to...?"

"Probably what you're thinking. I'm going to like that tweet with my account, then message them... and then attend the gathering."

"Are you crazy...!?"

I was well aware that what I was doing was madness.

To check someone's Twitter, and even thinking about infiltrating their gathering, my actions were just like those of a stalker. No matter how others might see it, this was not a commendable behavior.

Furthermore, even if Yuton had a bad reputation, I couldn't be sure that Shizune would necessarily encounter danger.

But considering Shizune's current situation... I couldn't just stand by and do nothing.

"I know very well that this is far beyond meddling, and I know I'm going too far. However, I want to meet with Shizune as soon as possible and talk to her properly."

"Uhh... okay. Well, I guess... that's the way it should be."

Hirofumi roughly scratched his head and then looked at his phone.

"...In that case, I'll contact them with my account."

"Huh... can you do that...? But why?"

"If an account with 8,000 followers reacts to the cannon club's post, that wouldn't be good. If you create a new account to contact them, they'll become suspicious. So, it's better to use my usual account to approach them, and they'll probably contact me without any mistrust."

"It's really unexpected that you're helping like this... I'm quite surprised."

"Considering all the help you've given me, Shinsuke, it's really great to have you as a friend. It's not easy to find someone who would help like this at a time like this," Hirofumi said sincerely.

"I feel the same way. Friends who are willing to help in times of need are truly valuable," I replied.

"If there's no response, then we'll go to the nearby izakayas (Japanese pubs) around the university one by one," Hirofumi suggested.

"Yes, I'll rely on you for that. As a thank-you, I'll treat you to a meal afterward."

"I want barbecue. If it's too expensive, we can have a barbecue party at your place, Shinsuke."

"As long as we can resolve this safely."

"In that case, I'm almost 90% sure you'll treat me then!"

"You sure are confident."

"Because there's only one surefire plan that can almost guarantee success when executed."

Hirofumi's fearless smile made me feel a sense of trust like never before.

"...But Shinsuke, can I ask you a question before you take action?"

"What's the question? Go ahead."

"You're not good at dealing with girls like Shizune-chan, right? And even though you've developed such a deep connection with her now, you still don't have any romantic feelings for her."

Hirofumi looked straight into my eyes and posed that straightforward question once again.

"So, why are you worrying so much and taking such action for Shizuke-chan?"

I didn't immediately answer the question and fell into a few seconds of silence.

But after calming down and thinking it over, it was as if I had excavated my innermost feelings, and the answer gradually emerged.

Because of my past traumatic experiences, I had completely avoided girls who dressed like Shizuneand had self-harm scars for several years. However, my discomfort around Shizune had gradually faded, and she became a persistent presence in my mind.

Perhaps... no, I must have been mistaken from the beginning.

Now that I had reached this point, I finally realized the clear reason why I wanted to continue interacting with her.

It was a reason that remained simple all along, and once understood, it was somewhat anticlimactic.

"Because that girl... Shizune needs me."

She needed me, the girl with hidden issues – Kotosaka Shizune. I just wanted to respond to her feelings for me in person.

(If you like this novel, please go to novelupdate and recommend it as well as leave a review to it.)

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